- Written by FREEMAN ROGERS
- Published: 30 August 2017
Some residents have claimed that the recent flooding was a punishment from Heaven. The Creator, they suggested, was angry because the August Emancipation Festival has become a party where revellers wear skimpy costumes. I decided to interview Him to find out the truth.
Beacon: Good morning, Sir. First, I want to thank you for taking my call. I know you’re very busy.
C: Ha-ha! Just kidding. You didn’t really think I’d smite you with a lightning bolt for no reason, did you? Just make sure you don’t look at me. You know that rule, right?
B: I’m familiar with that rule, Sir, but since we’re on the phone I assumed I would be safe.
C: Oh? How do you know that I’m not — standing right behind you?
C: Just kidding. I don’t show myself too often, seeing as how anyone who sees me dies.
B: Thank you. I’ll cut to the chase, Mr. Creator: Some people here feel that you flooded the Virgin Islands to punish us for turning Festival into a bacchanal. Is that true?
B: With respect, Sir, I hardly think this is a laughing matter. People are wondering why you decided to bring rain down on the territory for 16 hours, flooding out dozens of homes and businesses.
C: Hee-hee… Sorry, sorry.
B: Did I say something funny?
C: Let me put it this way: Did you see the August Monday Parade? What was left of it, I mean.
B: Yes, I did. Even though it was cancelled, dozens of performers danced down Waterfront Drive in the pouring rain.
C: And did you see what became of their costumes in that pouring rain?
B: Errr. Well, in many cases they became even more revealing.
C: So if I were angry about skimpy costumes, why would I send a storm that would make those costumes even skimpier?
B: That’s a good point, Sir, but —
C: Let me put it another way: Are you starving?
B: Me? Well, I’m kind of hungry, but —
C: No, no, I mean literally. Is your stomach actually consuming itself?
B: No, definitely not.
C: Did you know that a lot of people in the world are literally starving?
B: Yes, I’m aware that —
C: IN A WORLD WITH STARVING PEOPLE, WHY WOULD I BOTHER TO WORRY ABOUT A CELEBRATION WHERE PEOPLE WEAR SKIMPY COSTUMES?
(Thunder rumbles, and Beacon reporter jumps under desk.)
C: Hey, sorry. I’m just kidding. I’ve been trying to drop the whole “Angry Creator” shtick for a couple thousand years, but it slips out every so often. People can be pretty frustrating at times.
B: I apologise if I offended you. If you need to be somewhere else to take care of bigger problems, then by all means —
C: No worries, my friend. I can be two places at once. In fact, I can be an infinite number of places at once. Next question.
B: Okay: If you didn’t send the flooding to punish the VI for its sins, why did you send it?
C: Are you being serious right now?
B: I’m just asking the questions our readers want to know, Sir.
C: Listen, when I made your territory a few million years ago, it never flooded.
B: It didn’t?
C: Of course not! Whenever it rained, the water washed down the mountains and into the ocean. It was very well designed, if I do say so myself.
B: So then why send a flood now if you’re not punishing us for skimpy costumes and loose behaviour?
C: I didn’t send a flood.
B: Sir, the record is clear: On Aug. 7-8 the territory was flooded out. People lost their homes and their belongings.
C: And that had nothing to do with me.
B: Surely you, the Almighty Creator, are not denying responsibility for —
C: Listen: Have you looked up in the hills recently?
B: The hills?
C: Notice how people have clear-cut large swathes of the mountainside, carting away vegetation and loosening dirt that would naturally soak up rainwater?
B: Yes, but —
C: Have you looked in the ghuts, and noticed that they’re full of rubbish? Have you observed how developers cut into hillsides and don’t build adequate retaining walls? Have you taken a look at the territory’s poorly conceived drainage system? Most importantly, have you noticed that most of the flooding occurred on land that was reclaimed not by me but by people?
B: Sir, are you suggesting that the flood was actually —
C: YES, YOU NITWITS! IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT! I’M OUT OF HERE!
(Thunder sounds, and Beacon reporter jumps under desk, emerging minutes later with a charred phone in his hand.)
B: Hello? Hello? Sir?
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.