Water supply interruption
The Water and Sewerage Department wishes to advise customers in the following areas that their water supply might be temporarily interrupted without warning at unpredictable times for the next few decades:
• East End to Road Town;
• Road Town to West End;
• West End to Carrot Bay;
• the entire North Shore;
• the entire Ridge Road; and
• Beef Island.
Some residents already may have noticed interruptions pretty much every night.
These shutoffs are the result of a combination of factors that will be explained later.
However, it is most important for the public to note the one important factor that has absolutely nothing to do with the interruptions: the Baughers Bay desalination plant.
The WSD is urging the public to remember that the facility is functioning at 100 percent capacity, as reported by Communications and Works Minister Julian Fraser at a recent press conference.
In fact, on good days, the plant functions at 120 percent capacity — and it may even hit 150 percent capacity occasionally.
The facility, which was practically useless when government took it over last year, is now a joy to behold.
The WSD is aware that some grumpy residents have suggested otherwise. But nothing could be further from the truth.
Under the leadership of the highly effective minister, the plant has been outfitted with new parts, including trains, valves, hydroids, percolators, rejuvenators, bolts, smidgeons, tubes, hoses, cantilevers, widgets, counter-indicators, clutches, solenoids, hoagies and grinders.
This re-outfitting was necessary to make the facility into the most modern and shiny desalination plant in the universe.
Cause of shutoffs
Why, you ask, does the water continue to shut off regularly, given all these improvements?
The WSD would like to assure customers that there is a logical explanation: space aliens.
Yes, the plant was so well restored that it has attracted the attention of extraterrestrial beings.
A few months ago, at an undisclosed time and location, space aliens contacted the government about the plant, which apparently is now producing the purest water in the galaxy.
After the work that went into the facility, government officials were not surprised. Rather, they were proud. So they invited the space aliens to a lunch meeting in the Central Administration Building.
The officials assumed that the aliens would return to their own planet once they learned about the technology powering the facility.
But that was not what happened. What came next sounds crazy, but it will not surprise anyone who has seen the recent movie Battle: Los Angeles.
The aliens informed government officials that they wanted to use the fresh water produced at Baughers Bay to power their space ships. In the past, they used salt water, but it was causing their carburettors to rust at an alarming rate, they said.
In the economic downturn, the aliens have been trying to cut such extraneous costs.
Of course, government leaders immediately tried to negotiate a reasonable price for the water, in the name of the people of the Virgin Islands.
But this did not go well. In fact, the mere mention of money caused one alien to whip out a laser ray gun and blow up a water cooler.
Ultimately, the government leaders decided on an altruistic approach to the situation, assuring the aliens that they could have as much water as they wanted, for free.
The aliens were overjoyed, and immediately started filling their spaceships at night. Thus, the water shutoffs.
Under normal circumstances, the WSD would attempt to resolve the issue as soon as possible. However, the department’s staff members are rather terrified of the extraterrestrials. So the department can do little more than promise to update the public if the situation improves.
It is unclear whether the space aliens plan to leave soon or turn the VI into an intergalactic fuelling station.
The WSD apologises for the inconvenience and asks residents for their patience as it endeavours to avoid obliteration at the hands of extraterrestrials with laser ray runs.