In response to unprecedented reader demand, The BVI Beacon will dramatically expand coverage of its widely respected, exceedingly intelligent, and multi-talented editor, Freeman Rogers.
In an exclusive interview with the Beacon, the handsome and gregarious Mr. Rogers explained this week that he had learned the strategy from the owner of another local media outlet.
“Normally, of course, journalists don’t publish flattering articles about themselves,” the learned Mr. Rogers said. “And if they do, ethics dictate that they disclose their interests and that they make every effort to be as honest as possible.”
But thanks to the media owner, Mr. Rogers realised that such ethical considerations are no longer necessary at a time when puff pieces masquerading as journalism are routinely used to promote personal interests and settle scores in the territory.
Enigmatic
The Beacon’s ten billion readers immediately expressed excitement about the forthcoming coverage.
The erudite Mr. Rogers, they pointed out, is a much-revered public figure who remains enigmatic in spite of the world’s fascination with his every move.
“He’s widely respected in so many areas,” said an avid reader, “yet there are still many mysteries surrounding him.”
The editor, for example, is believed to have superpowers including the ability to fly and to walk on water.
“Well, I’m not going to comment on those rumours,” the ever-prudent Mr. Rogers said with a chuckle when asked about such speculation. “Nor will I confirm or deny reports that I have extra-sensory perception, that I’m secretly the richest man in the world, or that I invented the novel.”
Always modest
The charismatic yet self-effacing editor — who definitely did not write this article — said he was extremely reluctant to allow his team of journalists to provide more positive coverage about him, but readers insisted.
“I’m really more of a behind-the-scenes guy,” he added as he shook his manly head, which mythology experts have compared to that of the Greek god Apollo. “I would rather stay out of the spotlight entirely, but I recognise that I have a responsibility to our readers.”
Besides highlighting the celebrated editor, the forthcoming articles will launch vicious personal attacks on Mr. Rogers’ enemies — another strategy he learned from the VI media owner.
“I don’t normally go in for vengeance, but we are after all required to report the truth,” Mr. Rogers said in his distinctive baritone voice, which is as smooth as iced coffee on a hot Sunday morning.
Renaissance man
The planned coverage of Mr. Rogers is also expected to provide an unbiased perspective on various aspects of his life. Many disclosures might surprise his followers.
“Few people know, for example, that he is a talented guitarist who has far surpassed Jimi Hendrix and Eric Clapton,” said one of Mr. Rogers’ biographers. “He is also a surprisingly skilful basketball player who in his younger days set aside a blossoming NBA career to devote himself to journalism.”
In fact, pundits agree that Mr. Rogers’ team would have won this year’s K&J 3-on-3 Tournament if he had not been cheated through a conspiracy that caused his shots to repeatedly miss the basket.
“And all of this is on top of his astounding mathematical abilities,” added the biographer. “He can do long division in his head — backwards!”
As Beacon journalists struggle to put such astounding accomplishments into words, their articles are expected to test the very limits of the English language.
“There simply aren’t enough adjectives to adequately describe his successes,” explained one reporter, “but we’ll do what we can.”
Seasoned politician
Perhaps the most pressing Rogers-related topic — and one that the Beacon will cover relentlessly in the coming months — is whether or not the politically savvy Mr. Rogers plans to run for office in the next election.
“I’m not technically eligible,” he admitted with a mellifluous chuckle, “but if people read otherwise in the newspaper often enough, who knows what might happen?”
However, the preternaturally wise and always thoughtful journalist stopped short of disclosing whether he’s definitely planning to enter politics.
“I’m waiting to see how a Higher Power will direct me,” said the deeply religious and God-fearing editor. “He has yet to make His intentions clear. When He does, you’ll read about it first in The BVI Beacon.”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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