As usual, I had a blast during the August Emancipation Festival, and I count myself lucky to have attended the 60th anniversary celebrations.

 

The following, in no particular order, were my high and low points.

The Best Look Back was the August Monday Parade: This year, the many cultural entries — which included farm animals, traditional demonstrations and crafts — recalled Festivals of long ago, before the event was taken over by legions of feather-and-sequin-clad dancers.

Not that I have a problem with such dancers, who were certainly the Prettiest Legions of Festival 2014.

Among them, the Most Innovative Troupe was the Treasures of the BVI, whose members considered dropping out of the parade when their mail-order costumes reportedly proved too skimpy. Instead, they improvised, wearing matching shorts and T-shirts.

The Biggest Surprise of Festival was that any costume could be considered too skimpy for the August Monday Parade.

Moviene Fahie, meanwhile, created a different sort of costume, which was the Best Equine Memorial: Still grieving the loss of her beloved donkey Jack, she wore an elaborate get-up that made her appear to be riding a startlingly lifelike donkey.

Entertainers

Because most Festivalgoers seemed to agree that the Best International Performer was the Jamaican artist Sizzla, I’m still kicking myself: The Laziest Concertgoer was me, because I slept right through the night he performed.

The Most Spirited Government Official was Communications Director Arliene Penn, who traded in her usual business suit to become the calypsonian “Glama Gurl” during International Soca Night. Now that I know Ms. Penn’s secret identity, I am requesting that she deliver all future press announcements in the form of calypso songs.

The Saddest Festivalgoer was the greased pig at Water Sports Day. The animal, which couldn’t have weighed more than 50 pounds, was terrified after it was lathered with pink grease and released into an enclosure.

The Bravest Festivalgoer was the large man who proceeded to tackle the pig, thereby earning the right to take it home.

Nearby, I became the Second Bravest Festivalgoer in a similar event of my own devising: I stood around after the hot-dog-eating contest until a friendly organiser handed me a leftover hot dog, which I bravely tackled and ate on the spot.

Principled dancer

In East End, the Most Principled Concertgoer was the young woman who badly wanted to get on stage with dancehall singer Mavado. He eventually let her up, but when he urged her to dance in a manner that cannot be described in a family newspaper, she boldly refused.

She was also perhaps the Most Naïve Concertgoer: What did she think was going to happen when she got on stage with Mavado?

The Friendliest Neighbours were the people spraying down the EE/LL Rise and Shine Tramp with a hose from their front yard. Grumpier residents might have complained about the noise from the early morning event, which was re-routed through the heart of East End this year because of road construction on the usual route.

Hoses aside, the Wettest Rise and Shine Tramp was in Road Town, where a fortuitous downpour soaked revellers, who loved it.

Shortly thereafter, I encountered the guy who had the Second Worst Idea of Festival: He was carrying a large bucket of house paint and lathering revellers.

The Worst Idea of Festival, however, came when I asked him to paint my face.

Taking it easy

The Easiest Reporting Assignment came on August Tuesday, when I awoke shortly after dawn to the thump of the second tramp coming down Waterfront Drive.

I walked out onto my second-storey balcony and came face to face with four young women who were dancing atop the truck at the head of the procession. As I snapped photos, they grinned and struck all manner of poses.

The Best Historic Event was the celebration commemorating the history of the Nottingham Estate Africans who were officially freed in 1776. Speakers included several community members who recounted the history of the village with humour and reverence.

By contrast, the Worst Speech of Festival came during the service at the Sunday Morning Well, where the keynote speaker unleashed an offensive diatribe that had little to do with the historic occasion at hand.

Best value

The Best Value of Festival was the $10 “Last Lap” with Jamaican star Tessane Chin.

The Worst Value, I’m afraid, was the $30 ticket to see Mavado, who police ordered off the stage at 4 a.m. after he performed for barely an hour.

The police, however, were not to blame: They had the Most Thankless Job of Festival, and they handled it well. They provided a strong presence throughout most of the events — not to mention their historical entry in the August Monday Parade — and they did a great job of keeping the peace.

They also get special kudos for arresting the Most Obliging Suspect, who was wanted for skipping his court date but didn’t have any problem showing up for the EE/LL tramp.

Organisers

Finally, the Best Planners were the Festival organisers, who started early and made some smart decisions. By shortening the Festival by three days, they managed to create a more compact, streamlined series of events.

Bringing the celebration back to Road Town for a grand finale was a particularly nice touch, as were the fireworks over Road Harbour.

And while Premier Dr. Orlando Smith may have delivered the Best Hyperbole when he claimed that this was the best Festival ever, I’m inclined to believe that he was right.

Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.

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