When Communications and Works Minister Mark Vanterpool predicted last week that more than 600,000 cruise ship passengers would visit the territory in the coming tourism season, many residents were sceptical.

 

They had reason: Only about 340,000 visited last season, and now the cruise ship pier is unusable because it’s under construction. Moreover, 600,000 passengers would be an all-time record.

But these doubts were swept away on Monday, when Mr. Vanterpool explained how he plans to achieve his lofty goal.

“I’m going to use charisma,” he said during a press conference held to respond to sceptics. “My good friends, you’ll be amazed at what it can accomplish.”

A burden

Mr. Vanterpool confessed that the coming cruise ship season is an “enormous burden” for him.

Because construction on the dock has been delayed, passengers will have to be shuttled ashore in tenders throughout much of the season — an expensive and inconvenient undertaking.

“For weeks, I tossed around various ideas for attracting ships here in spite of these issues,” the minister said.

Among other options, he considered offering free Jell-O shots to passengers, spreading rumours of contagious diseases in other destinations, and passing a law requiring all residents to dress like pirates.

“I even experimented with Jedi mind tricks, like in Star Wars,” he explained. “But that didn’t seem entirely ethical.”

Ultimately, he said, none of these solutions was ideal.

The answer finally came to him during a planning meeting for the next elections.

“As I considered my campaign strategy, I suddenly realised that charisma has been getting me elected term after term,” he explained. “I thought, ‘Why not use it to promote cruise tourism?’”

On the phones

The next day, he started putting the plan into practice by phoning cruise ship companies and attempting to chat with their top executives.

“Most of the time, I couldn’t get them on the phone, but I left very charismatic messages,” he explained. “I’d say, ‘Howdy, my friend: How the heck are you?’ Or ‘Hey, good buddy, what’s the good word? How’s the wife and kids?’ That sort of thing.”

Though he hasn’t heard back from the executives, he’s confident that they’re now his “pals” and will be eager to send their ships to the territory.

“This is why I know we’ll have 600,000 passengers this year,” he said. “I can understand why residents were sceptical, but that was perhaps because they weren’t aware of my plan.”

Indeed, now that the minister has explained his strategy, many cruise tourism stakeholders said they are fully convinced.
“At first, I thought that the 600,000 number was a bald-faced lie,” admitted one taxi driver. “It made no sense whatsoever, considering how few passengers came last year. But when I heard about the new strategy, I realised that the minister is a genius.”

Vendors at Crafts Alive Village agreed.

“We thought this would be the slowest season in history, but now we’re preparing for the busiest season ever,” said a T-shirt vendor. “I only wish someone had thought of using charisma before.”

Workshops

Now that the minister has taken the lead, government is asking residents to come on board as well.

To assist, Mr. Vanterpool will be leading charisma workshops in the coming weeks. He said the trait comes naturally to him, but he is aware that others are “charisma challenged.”

“Still, even if you aren’t naturally charismatic, there are many behaviours that you can affect that will make you seem to be,” he said. “Most importantly, you’ve got to believe in the impossible.”

If the strategy works, government may use charisma in other areas as well.

“This could be a great way to bolster the financial services sector,” Mr. Vanterpool said. “Heck, charisma could eventually become a third pillar of the Virgin Islands economy. Stay tuned, my friends.”

Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.

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