Ace and Gretta to assist new gov’t
The territory may be facing a budgetary nightmare, but help has arrived.
In a move officials hope will revive the Virgin Islands economy, the Financial Services Commission has agreed to loan government its two new mascots.
Originally, Ace the Ant and Gretta the Grasshopper were part of the FSC’s Money Matters BVI programme, which is designed to help VI residents make wise spending decisions.
But then officials came to a startling realisation.
“Average residents makes some pretty idiotic financial choices, but those choices pale in comparison to recent decisions made by government ministers in the halls of the Central Administration Building,” according to a press release.
While the VI economy has struggled in recent years, elected leaders have spent millions on overpriced projects of questionable merit, many of which soon stalled, the press release pointed out.
As a result, the government is more or less broke.
Ace and Gretta aim to change that. The mascots are adapted from a fable in which an industrious ant works all summer to provide for winter, while a fun-loving grasshopper relaxes and suffers the consequences.
In the coming months, the mascots will become familiar faces in the Central Administration Building.
Ace will strut around doing important work and sharing pithy sayings, such as “Remember: Don’t ask your money where it went, but tell it where to go.”
He will also attend contract-signing ceremonies, where he will repeatedly pose a difficult question from the Money Matters website: “Do you behave as if you can go out in your yard and pick some money off a tree?”
Any time a government minister answers “yes” to that question, the contract will be cancelled.
Meanwhile, Gretta will spend most of her time reclining on a lounge chair in the CAB atrium, where she will nap, watch soap operas and eat bonbons.
In the evening, she will sleepily rouse herself, don an expensive outfit, and proceed to blow her paycheque on five-star meals and partying until dawn.
Soon, however, CAB workers may notice that Gretta has started a downhill slide, according to the press release.
“For example, she may start asking to borrow money. Her appearance likely will become more and more slovenly. Eventually, she may even develop a drug problem,” the press release said. “All of these negative changes will provide a prime example of the negative effects of poor spending habits.”
Ace is contractually obligated to attempt to reform his friend Gretta, but officials doubt he will succeed.
“Instead, he probably will find himself using her as an example of what not to do,” the press release said. “For instance, he might tell a minister, ‘If you spend another million dollars on stalled greenhouses, the territory’s going to look like Gretta pretty soon.’”
Contract signing
During a Friday ceremony in the Premier’s Office, the mascots both received $96,000 consultancy contracts.
“This is one contract I won’t criticise,” Ace said with a chuckle. “The government needs our advice badly, and this is money well spent.”
Premier Dr. Orlando Smith also spoke at the ceremony, saying he is looking forward to working with Ace and Gretta.
“Recently, my government handed out a lucrative consulting contract to a National Democratic Party member who has no relevant experience,” Dr. Smith said. “Ace found out about it, and the next thing I know he’s in my office asking me if money grows on trees. He had a pretty good point, though I confess I didn’t rescind the contract.”
Gretta, who had been shopping, showed up late to the ceremony, and didn’t get a chance to comment.
Immediately after the proceeding, Ace invited reporters to accompany him to the bank to watch him deposit his first paycheque.
Gretta invited reporters to Pusser’s to help her spend her paycheque on shots of Jagermeister.
All of the reporters chose to go with Gretta.