Recent funding shortfalls won’t deter the government from heroically spending public money like there’s no tomorrow, leaders reassured the territory this week.
“After thinking outside the box, we’ve managed to delay accountability indefinitely by levying new taxes on tourists and expatriates,” Premier Dr. Orlando Smith announced Tuesday. “This means it won’t stop raining no-bid contracts anytime soon!”
Leaders, in fact, hope to continue spending wildly until the VI is known as the “boondoggle capital of the Caribbean.”
A relief
The announcement came as a great relief to the territory at a time when financial services revenue is steadily dropping off.
Faced with that looming challenge, leaders initially feared that they would be forced to follow auditors’ longstanding recommendations to enact financial reforms designed to curb wastage, political patronage and conflict of interest.
“When company incorporation rates started falling, we panicked: It suddenly seemed that we would have to start being fiscally responsible — tendering contracts and that sort of thing,” explained Communications and Works Minister Mark Vanterpool. “Thankfully, the new taxes on non-voters will make up for the shortfall, allowing us to continue with business as usual.”
This, he said, means that the public can look forward to more jaw-dropping wastage successes, like the recent $30 million-plus cost overrun on the Tortola Pier Park.
“With these new taxes in place, there’s no reason why we can’t have similar overruns on the ongoing sewerage work in East End, and on any number of smaller projects,” he said. “We’re going to set some records!”
ESHS spending
Such overspending is already under way at the Elmore Stoutt High School, where at least 15 petty contracts have been awarded for the construction of a $1 million-plus perimeter wall.
“This is the sort of waste that we can truly be proud of,” explained Education and Culture Minister Myron Walwyn. “I’m talking about brazen I-don’t-care-what-anyone-says-about-accountability-because-I’m-the-minister-and-you’re-not waste.”
He added that contract splitting — a technique that also is being employed to construct the new classroom buildings at ESHS — is a “gift that keeps on giving.”
“Once you have a dozen different people working on the same project, the finished product will probably look a little strange,” he chuckled, adding that the ESHS wall, which remains unfinished more than a year after work started, is a perfect example. “So then guess what? You can waste even more public money on fixing it!”
The cycle, he said, continues indefinitely, resulting in plenty of opportunities for handing out petty contracts to political supporters.
Retaining walls
Though the new taxes might not be a permanent fix, they are expected to help leaders avoid accountability at least until the next general election.
Meanwhile, government will celebrate in the coming months by building dozens of retaining walls across the territory.
“Our dream is to give a petty contract to every single voter,” Dr. Smith said. “And with the new taxes, this vision could become a reality.”
The new levies will also enable the government to continue with other bad financial habits, such as paying bills late and keeping inadequate records.
Accountability scare
The recent funding crunch was not the government’s first brush with accountability. The Protocols for Effective Financial Management, which were agreed in 2012, required the government to be more transparent and to employ sound financial practices.
“Luckily, we quickly realised that we could ignore the Protocols when necessary, and the United Kingdom would look the other way,” Dr. Smith said. “But that close call made us realise beyond a shadow of a doubt that financial reform is absolutely no fun at all.”
Taxpayers agreed, expressing relief at the news that the government will continue to waste their money at an alarming rate.
“A fiscally responsible government would be so boring,” said a Road Town waitress. “It’s great to hear that the longstanding tradition of egregious wastage isn’t going to change anytime soon.”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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