Most people make resolutions for themselves, but luckily for the Virgin Islands I’m not so selfish.
Once again, I’ve decided to make New Year’s resolutions for other people.
I’ll start at the top, with Premier Dr. Orlando Smith, who resolves to hold monthly press conferences with complimentary wine and cheese.
Dr. Smith also resolves to prohibit his ministers from hiring any more expensive consultants until all the public servants currently on the payroll are being fully utilised. And that might take a while.
Deputy Premier Dr. Kedrick Pickering, the minister of natural resources and labour, resolves to speak to someone at the Labour Department about processing my work permit renewal sometime this decade.
While he’s at it, he resolves to instruct Labour personnel to answer the phone before 20 rings. Finally, he promises to explain to everyone what the heck is going on with the greenhouses.
Health and Social Development Minister Ronnie Skelton has the biggest resolution of all: completing the new hospital in 2012.
Mr. Skelton also resolves to live at least one week each month in Pockwood Pond until a scrubber has been installed on the new incinerator, which also falls in his portfolio.
Communications and Works Minister Mark Vanterpool has several resolutions:
• taking complaints for at least one day each week beside the sewage pumping station in Road Town;
• never parking in the gated House of Assembly lot until he has managed to find a workable parking solution for all Road Town commuters;
• taking the bus once a week; and
• trying to make a right turn across traffic at the new traffic lights at Wickhams Cay II.
Meanwhile, Education and Culture Minister Myron Walwyn resolves to spend his time on issues that are a little more important than slogans painted on primary schools. While he’s at it, he resolves to work for a teacher’s salary for his first four years in office.
The members of the opposition will be happy to hear that I haven’t left them out.
They all resolve to disclose their past practices whenever they criticise the new government. For example, when they preach about the need for tendering contracts, as some did during the last House of Assembly sitting of 2011, they will disclose how many contracts they themselves failed to tender in the past.
Don’t worry, I didn’t stop with the territory’s leaders. I’ve also made resolutions for regular people.
All bar owners, for example, resolve to offer $2 beers and $3 mixed drinks for at least two hours a day. They also resolve never, ever to charge more than $4 for a beer.
The entire community, including the Department of Motor Vehicles, resolves to help my jeep, Sugar, pass inspection. I’ve purchased new windshield wipers, a new reverse light and a bunch of duct tape, but there’s still plenty of work to be done, and I’m going to need all the help I can get.
Also, whoever painted ugly graffiti on Sugar resolves to take art classes and do a better job next time.
Solid Waste Department mascot Bruce the Mongoose resolves to spend more time cleaning up trash and less time riding in parades.
The police resolve to arrest more burglars, and judges resolve to send them to prison more often.
Burglars resolve to get a job, preferably in a field that doesn’t involve handling cash or liquor.
Truck drivers resolve to keep their speed under 50 miles per hour in the Road Town city limits.
People who post nasty anonymous comments on news websites resolve either to disclose their names or to stop posting entirely.
Rude people resolve to shut up.
Service personnel resolve to smile at all customers.
Cruise ship tourists resolve to wear more clothes.
Grocery stores resolve to stop charging $12 for a gallon of milk and $8 for a box of cereal.
Finally, anyone who feels left out resolves to read The BVI Beacon every week, cover to cover.