Derelict schmerelict

I know government is working to remove derelict vessels from the Virgin Island’s waters, but this could take a while.

In the meantime, why not put them to good use? Where I come from, which is South Carolina, people never waste a perfectly good derelict vessel. Instead, they use them for mobile homes, shotgun targets, sleds, patios, planters, yard art and pretty much anything else you can imagine.

Perhaps it’s not surprising, then, that I have several ideas for solving the VIs’ problem.

For example, when I look at the dozen or so derelict boats in Baughers Bay, I don’t see an environmental hazard. I don’t see a dangerous, rusty eyesore. I don’t even see huge missiles waiting to be discharged by another hurricane.

I see a Pirates of the Caribbean theme park.

This plan is so obvious that I’m amazed no one has thought of it yet. And it wouldn’t require much work.

I know what you’re thinking: How would we convince tourists that a pile of rusty wreckage is like a glamorous Disney movie?

This is a good question, and the answer is simple: rum. Theme park personnel would offer free shots of it, starting well before the visitors actually arrive in Baughers Bay. The cost could be kept to a minimum by using extremely cheap liquor and telling tourists that it’s exactly what pirates used to drink. By the time they arrive in Baughers Bay, they’ll be ready to believe anything.

Of course, you can’t give rum to children, but plastic swords, eye-patches and shoulder-parrots should have a similar effect.

Tour guides

After that, the park would just need a few tour guides. To that end, the government could hire a few broke, bearded guys dressed in tattered clothes. They should not be hard to come by.

The tour guides would be paid minimum wage to mimic Johnny Depp’s jerky strut and shout “arrrr” as often as possible.

“Hello thaaar! Welcome to the Pirates of the Caribbean Theme Paaarrrk. Bewarrrre that rusty hole over thaarrr. In fact, don’t touch anything anywhaaarrr! The Vaaargin Islands assumes no responsibility for yarrrr safety.” And so on.

Or, if government can’t afford to hire staff at the moment, maybe a few Johnny Deppish scarecrows would suffice, along with an audio recording from one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

Saving a buck

In the unlikely event that this idea falls through, I have a backup plan. My next idea was conceived while listening to VI leaders talk about transforming cruise ship passengers into overnight visitors.

I always saw one big problem with this goal: Cruises are cheap; overnighting in the VI is not. But that’s largely because it’s so expensive to get a hotel room here. My plan would change that.

Already, most cruise ships pass near Baughers Bay’s derelict boats, which aren’t exactly a welcoming sight. I doubt that anyone who saw them would want to return to the VI as an overnight guest.

But what if the ships were painted with an enormous neon message: “The Derelict Hostel: $20 a night!!!”

Once cruise ship tourists noticed this bargain, they’d never want to leave. Besides, who wouldn’t enjoy staying on an authentic derelict vessel?

Because the establishment would be a low-budget affair, the maintenance cost would be minimal.

In fact, it could probably be run in conjunction with the Pirates of the Caribbean Theme Park: The tour guides could get a bonus for cleaning out the boats’ cabins every now and then.

Smaller boats

Of course, these solutions still don’t solve the problem of the smaller derelict vessels outside Baughers Bay. Several were washed ashore in Sopers Hole during Hurricane Earl, and others have bobbed for years off the coast of Beef Island and other locations.

For these boats, I borrowed a great idea from a resident who is organising an auction of chairs that are to be made into works of art.

Why not do the same with derelict boats?  No one wants them now, but I bet art collectors would snap them up if they were painted with, say, historic murals of VI sailing life in the 1950s.

And presumably, these collectors would haul the boats away to add to their private collections — at no cost to the territory.

Incidentally, all of my ideas go hand in hand with the BVI Tourist Board’s new merchandising campaign. Think of it: Visitors would return home with the territory’s derelict vessels emblazoned on their T-shirts, hats and bandannas.

You can’t put a price on that kind of advertisement.

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