More wardens, please
First, the House of Assembly appointed litter wardens to keep the territory clean.
Then legislators passed a law establishing road wardens, who will be paid to monitor the roads in their districts.
Meanwhile, plans are in the works to introduce traffic wardens charged with ensuring that drivers follow the rules of the road.
Notice a trend? I sure hope so. Because more wardens are needed, if you ask me. I have several ideas.
At the top of my list are HOA wardens.
They would need to be paid extremely well, because they would be required to attend HOA meetings.
Among other responsibilities, they would ensure that legislators conduct themselves in a manner befitting their office.
To that end, at each HOA meeting, wardens would carry foghorns, which they would sound whenever a legislator does something inappropriate: speaking out of turn; using immunity to slander someone; or talking too much, for example.
And since legislators can be stubborn, the wardens also would have the power to levy fines for various offences:
• Talking for more than five minutes without saying anything: $100.
• Using the HOA for political stumping: $300.
• Complaining that the media only report bad news: $400.
• Refusing to answer a legitimate question: $1,000.
• Responding to a legitimate question with an answer that has nothing to do with the question: $800.
• Overusing a meaningless catchphrase, such as “good to great:” $50 per instance.
I’m convinced that this system would make HOA meetings much more productive, enabling legislators to spend more time making laws.
During the election season, the HOA wardens would have extra powers: At political rallies, they would be permitted to issue public reprimands for mud-slinging, fibbing, misleading the public, distorting records and so on.
Public Service Wardens
If I were a legislator, I would also appoint Public Service Wardens to visit government offices disguised as regular citizens.
Their identities would be kept secret until they encountered inappropriate behaviour. Then, they would whip out a whistle blow it.
For the next week, offending public servants would be required to wear a sign describing their offence:
• “I wasted taxpayer money this morning.”
• “I just took a three-hour lunch break.”
• “I acted annoyed when someone called, even though it’s my job to answer the phone.”
• “I used a government vehicle for personal use.”
• “I treated a member of the public like a cockroach.”
• “I made someone wait for two hours for no reason whatsoever.”
• “I spent all morning on Facebook.”
• “I clipped and painted my nails at my desk today.”
• “I shamelessly abused my power.”
This system relies on peer pressure. The majority of public servants, who follow the rules, presumably would encourage the bad apples to get back on track.
Meanwhile, hospitality wardens could carry out a similar service in hotels, restaurants and resorts. Each would carry a hidden video camera, and upload videos of subpar service to YouTube.
The territory’s tourism product would improve dramatically within days, guaranteed.
Tourist wardens
Of course, visitors have responsibilities, too. And who better to enforce them than tourist wardens?
Most of these officers would don Hawaiian-themed shirts and blend in with the thousands of cruise ship passengers who descend on the territory every winter.
They would have the power to levy fines for inappropriate behaviour like public drunkenness, wearing inappropriately skimpy clothing, holding up traffic, tossing cigarette butts on the ground, and so on.
And, on the water, sailing wardens would crack down on yacht guests who shouldn’t be captaining sailboats in the first place. Violators would be towed back to shore in front of all their friends under a special “landlubber” flag.
These are just a few of my ideas. Once these positions are created, I’ll be happy to suggest some more.