VI puts US on ‘most annoying’ list

The Virgin Islands has placed the United States on its list of “The Most Annoying Countries of All Time.”

The announcement came yesterday, about two weeks after the US classified the VI as a “major money laundering country.”

“America is not the only country that can make lists,” Premier Ralph O’Neal said during a press conference held to announce the change. “We’re tired of having our good name tarnished.”

But the move was not a tit-for-tat retaliation, officials said.

In fact, the territory has considered the United States annoying for many years, according to a press release from the government.

The US was classified as “mildly annoying” in the 1980s, on account of the increasing popularity of exercise guru Richard Simmons.

It was bumped up to “Definitely Annoying” in the late 1990s, during the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky fiasco.

A combination of George W. Bush and the Hannah Montana television show were responsible for a further escalation to “Pretty Darn Annoying” in 2006.

Last week, when the US classified the VI as a “major money laundering country,” it was the “last straw,” according to government.

“For one thing, the VI is not a country,” Mr. O’Neal said. “Even though other leaders and I call it that all the time, the term is inaccurate: We’re a territory.”

He added that the US list is “pretty much meaningless,” considering that it also includes dozens of other countries, including the United Kingdom.

The premier is also considering separately listing the US Virgin Islands in the “most annoying” category, because of its repeated insistence that the VI do something about the open-pit trash burning in Pockwood Pond.

Other lists

VI leaders are hoping the list will motivate the US to take action to clear its name.

“If America takes back what it said about money laundering, then we’ll open discussions with them,” Mr. O’Neal said. “Maybe they can put us on a list of ‘Coolest Countries’ or ‘Best Tourist Destinations’ or something. Until then, we don’t plan to change our minds.”

He added that “good US behaviour” would be rewarded with a chance for inclusion on “positive lists.”

But VI leaders admit they don’t expect quick action. Previous attempts to censure large countries have met with little success.

The US, the United Kingdom and other major economies were classified as “Tax Haven Bullies” shortly after a 2008 Group of 20 meeting that landed the VI on a “grey list” of financial jurisdictions.

The VI quickly worked its way off the “grey list,” but the US took no action to repair its reputation as a “Tax Haven Bully.”

“It’s very strange,” a top government official said. “We are always ready and willing to jump through hoops for our critics, but when we ask them for something, they just ignore us. It’s extremely unfair, but we just keep turning the other cheek because we feel it’s the right thing to do.”

Taking action?

Because of the US’ seeming indifference, some officials think the VI should take further action.

For example, the territory could consider serious sanctions, one expert said.

“We could refuse to let US businesses incorporate here until the US agrees to cancel Hannah Montana forever — and then promises not to put us on anymore negative lists,” she said.

Or the VI could use its influence as a popular tourist destination, exerting pressure by banning US residents from its shores, she added.

“Before you know it, the US would start removing the VI from all the negative lists, and we could respond in kind,” the expert said. “The next thing you know, we’d be on the list of ‘The Greatest Countries in the World.’”