This week’s column is about — whoops: Hold on a second. I just received a news alert.

Oh no! The Chicago Bulls lost! They were doing so well. I was hoping they would win the NBA finals this year for the first time in more than a decade.

Remember the “Dream Team,” with Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen? Those were the good old days.

Now, what was I saying?

Ah, yes, I was talking about this week’s column. I was about to disclose my theme. Whenever I write a column, I try to get right to the point early. That way, people won’t lose interest and quit reading.

After my digression, you’re probably thinking I’m going to write more about the Bulls. I’m not. I just wrote everything I know about the team, and I have about 600 more words to go.

In fact, I only mentioned the Bulls because I was checking the score as I wrote. I find my life is far more fulfilling if I know sports scores immediately.

And it’s not just sports scores. I like to stay extremely up to date with everything. After all, I’m in the news business.

But this week’s column is definitely not news-themed. In fact, I try to steer away from serious stuff whenever possible.

Speaking of news, excuse me for one more second: I need to check a few online news sites to make sure I’m not missing anything important. It won’t take long.

Let’s see: Biwater, Beef Island, political rants…

Nope, I’m not missing anything. On the other hand, there is a lot of juicy gossip in the comments section of one website…

Wow! Can you believe that someone actually wrote — whoops. Sorry. I’m getting off track again.

Going surfing

Anyway, back to my column. If I write it quickly, I can finish by 5 p.m. and go surfing — if there are any waves today, that is.

Actually, that gives me an idea: I can check the wave report online. Hmm…

The waves are reported to be about two feet. Not too impressive.

On the other hand, sometimes the wave report is misleading. Before I finish my column, I think I’ll text a lifeguard. Excuse me…

Okay. He’ll get back to me in a minute: The lifeguards are great about giving surf updates to those of us who spend our days in an office.

But back to my column. It’s not about surfing. What it’s really about is — whoops. Just a second: One of the lifeguards replied.

He wrote, “A little lumpy, but surfable.”

I wonder if any of my surfing buddies are going. If you don’t mind, I’ll just send out a mass text so as not to waste any more of your time than is absolutely necessary…

Okay. Done.

Dancing duck

Meanwhile, I’ll bet you’re dying to know what this column is going to be about, aren’t you? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s about — whoops.

Mom just sent me a message on Facebook. I’d better respond now or she’ll write something embarrassing.

“Dear Mom, I’m busy, but will call later. Love, Freeman.” That should take care of that. Now, what was I saying?

Wait. What’s this? Someone on Facebook has posted a video of a stuffed duck dancing the polka. How ridiculous. It’s hard to believe that people have nothing better to do than post videos of polka ducks.

And who would waste their time watching something like that? Go check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me:

Anyway, this column is most emphatically not about ducks dancing the polka. It’s about —.

One second. I just got a text back from one of my surfing buddies. Looks like he wants to go surfing, but he needs a ride. I’d better text my mechanic to see if my Jeep will be fixed soon…

Now. Finally. Back to this week’s column: I had planned to make fun of people who constantly check their Blackberrys

Unfortunately, I seem to have run out of space.