Vote Mr. Movember, ’09!
My people, you’ve read my election manifesto and you know my campaign song. So I assume you’re planning to vote for me on Nov. 7.
But just in case you have any doubts, consider this: By the end of next month, I might very well have an award-winning moustache growing on my upper lip.
That’s right: Tuesday marks the start of “Movember,” when men around the territory will enter a moustache-growing competition to raise money for prostate cancer research.
After shaving clean on Nov. 1, these “Mo-Bros” will grow lip-whiskers as fast as they can. Then, at the end of the month, they’ll compete for prizes in categories like “Celebrity Look-a-Like,” “Sexiest” and “Sleaziest.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I think that all Virgin Islands voters should know that I’ve done extremely well in this competition in recent years.
Yes, my people, among my many qualifications for elected office, I am a champion moustache-grower.
Accolades
When the Movember competition started here in 2007, I won a prize for “Best Handlebar.” The next year, I was runner-up in the “Seediest” category.
And in 2009, all my dreams came true: I grew a moustache that spiralled up my cheeks like a hairy caterpillar, and I took the coveted title of “Mr. Movember.”
As the reigning champ, I wasn’t allowed to compete last year — I was asked to judge instead — but I didn’t let that stop me: My people, I grew two moustaches.
What other election candidate can say the same?
Of course, I don’t pretend to take credit for my successes. Since about sixth grade, I’ve been blessed with a natural talent for growing facial hair. This talent has been a joy in itself, but I always knew in my heart that there must be a reason for it.
During this campaign season, I have discovered what that reason is: My copious whiskers are there to help me lead this territory to prosperity.
Great moustaches
My people, there is a clear link between moustaches and leadership.
To see this much, one need only consider the famous leaders whose upper lips have bristled at one time or another: Teddy Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, Hulk Hogan and Groucho Marx, to name a few.
In fact, the correlation is apparent right here in the VI. Premier Ralph O’Neal has a moustache, and he has been in office longer than anyone, including Mr. O’Neal himself, can remember.
The premier’s facial hair is a fairly unassuming paintbrush moustache. If Mr. O’Neal can lead for so many years with that understated style, think of how much longer I could lead with hairy caterpillars crawling up my cheeks.
In fact, once I’ve grown my championship “mo” next month, only one person will stand between me and the premiership: Communications and Works Minister Julian Fraser, whose moustache is prominent, well-groomed and impressive.
I admit that Mr. Fraser’s moustache intimidates me a little, especially considering his long tenure in office. But I refuse to back down. Has Mr. Fraser ever been named Mr. Movember? I think not!
Leadership qualities
My people, no one knows exactly why great leaders so often have moustaches, but I have a few theories.
First, whiskers are intimidating. Wiggling them just so will silence the angriest dictator.
Secondly, moustaches are sexy. Women love them and men envy them. Nothing screams “leaderly charisma” like a healthy moustache.
Thirdly, moustaches command attention. When a mouth under a moustache speaks, people listen.
And that’s just the beginning.
I haven’t yet decided what style of “mo” to grow next month, but I can assure you that it will be luxuriant and glorious — the sort of whiskers that scream, “Look on my lip, ye mighty, and despair.”
My people, if you elect me on Nov. 7, I hereby pledge that I won’t trim my moustache for my entire tenure in office, even if it lasts for 40 years.
Yes, this is a great personal sacrifice, but there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you, the people of the Virgin Islands.