Dear Government,
I write with an exciting new proposal that will solve the territory’s transportation woes — and earn you millions of dollars at the same time!
My idea, which is not a scam, was conceived after I heard that BVI Airways didn’t establish direct flights to Miami by October as planned. I know this ongoing delay must be disappointing for you, especially since you’ve apparently already paid the company $5 million.
In fact, right about now you’re probably wondering what would happen if the airline never gets off the ground. Would taxpayers get their money back?
Probably not, and they would perhaps be angry and try to vote you right out of office. But please don’t worry: Even in the unlikely event that the worst comes to pass, my alternative will make angry taxpayers forget all about their petty complaints.
Not an airline
Now, I know what you’re thinking: What does a newspaper columnist know about airlines? The answer is: nothing.
Fortunately, my plan has nothing to do with airlines. If you ask me, jet travel seems pretty old-fashioned in this day and age, and it doesn’t interest me much.
My proposal would use a much more cutting-edge system: teleportation.
What’s that, you ask? Clearly, you’ve never watched Star Trek.
In nearly every episode, Captain Kirk, Dr. Spock and other famous astronauts step inside a machine on their spaceship and say, “Beam me up, Scotty!” Then they fade out and immediately reappear on any planet they wish to visit.
Yes, I know: The idea sounds very complex and space-age. When it first crossed my mind, I too thought it would be impossible.
But that was before I thought outside the box and checked Wikipedia, which happens to have an entire page devoted to the transporter machine featured in Star Trek.
The entry explains: “Transporters convert a person or object into an energy pattern (a process called dematerialization), then ‘beam’ it to a target, where it is reconverted into matter (rematerialization).”
There you have it! All we need to do is figure out how to convert people into an energy pattern and then reconvert them into matter.
With that information in hand, I’m fully confident that my company — Dateline: Paradise Transportation Inc. — is able to build a large teleportation machine and install it at the airport on Beef Island.
Passengers — who surely would be willing to pay top dollar — would line up in the machine and say to BVI Airports Authority Managing Director Denniston Fraser, “Beam me up, Denny!”
Then Mr. Fraser would push a button and they would fade away and reappear in Miami.
The cost
As you can see, my proposal would quickly solve the territory’s air access dilemma.
But that’s not all: It would also offer you the investment opportunity of a lifetime!
Here’s why: To get started with my plan, I need a small down payment of just $2 million, and because of my love for the territory I have decided to offer you the first chance to provide it to me.
This money — which is little more than the cost of a retaining wall in the VI — would enable me to stream dozens of old Star Trek movies so that I can study the teleportation scenes and figure out how exactly Scotty managed to “beam up” his fellow astronauts.
After that, I would need another $2 million to conduct further Wikipedia research and possibly hire one of the Star Trek super-fans known as “Trekkies” to help firm up the details.
With a final $2 million for building materials and labour, the project should be ready to get off the ground.
Before you know it, the teleportation machine will be making a huge profit, and you’ll get all your money back — with at least 25 percent interest!
With numbers like that, you probably won’t even need a new airport by the year 2020.
Timeline
Of course, it’s a little difficult to put a concrete timeline on my proposal since teleportation technology technically doesn’t yet exist outside of the fictional world of Star Trek.
But after several hours of Wikipedia research, I’m fully confident that the first stage should take no more than two weeks once I receive your initial investment.
And after the next two installments clear the bank, I expect that completion would come within a month.
Thank you for considering my proposal. I look forward to working together to “beam you up” into the future of the Virgin Islands.
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