Madam Speaker, my government has an ambitious agenda for the coming year that will amaze everyone.

 

Most importantly, my government will think outside the box.

The first step toward this lofty goal will be using the phrase “think outside the box” as often as possible. It will come up in speeches, in House of Assembly sessions, and in casual conversation.

But please don’t think that my government will stop there.

Members will think so far outside the box, they’ll take the phrase to the next level: Don’t be surprised if you hear them say they’ll “throw away the box;” “destroy the box;” “stomp on the box;” “recycle the box;” or even “fold up the box and send it back to the manufacturer for a full refund.”

The “box” phrase will be among many trendy idioms my government will bandy in the coming months. Others include “paradigm shift,” “squaring the circle,” “synergy,” “catalyst for excellence,” and so on.

In the spirit of bipartisanship, my government may even reach across the aisle by using the phrase “moving from good to great,” which as you know was coined years ago by an opposition member.

Talking

There will be plenty of time for such phrases, Madam Speaker, because one of my government’s main goals in the coming legislative session is talking.
Members will talk as much as humanly possible. Their talk will be extraordinarily diverse, ranging from harmless patter to virulent rhetoric. On rare occasions, it might even touch on thoughtful dialogue.

But most of all, it will be pure, old-fashioned bloviation. (Don’t forget, Madam Speaker, that elections are coming next year.)

Even in the midst of all this productive activity, time will be made for other business.

My government, for example, has already devised a foolproof solution for the sewerage delays that are expected to continue: blaming the previous government at every turn.

A recycling programme will also be implemented, themed “Think Outside the Reusable, GMO-free, Plastic Wastebin.”

In the coming months, Madam Speaker, my government will make frequent use of hyperbole. Members might, for example, say things like this: “We are definitely going to build a new airport starting next year.” This will help generate “hype.”

Though there has been much criticism of the greenhouses, rest assured that my government is already using the structures as a catalyst for excellence. As we speak, they are being used to grow hundreds of thousands of weeds. Please note, Madam Speaker, that I said “weeds,” not “weed.”

My government will also pass laws designed to raise the standard of living for people who have a very high standard of living.

Cruise tourists

To tackle another dire challenge — an extremely slow cruise ship season — ministers will continue to insist that this is the busiest cruise ship season ever, even in the face of mounting evidence to the contrary.

This paradigm shift will create the synergy necessary to attract investors for the cruise pier’s landside development.

My government will also pass laws designed to protect the environment. But please don’t worry, Madam Speaker: Though members will tout these laws at conferences around the world, the measures will never be enforced here in the VI.

Freedom of Information legislation will be handled in a similar manner: Like the 2010 Archives and Records Management Act, it will be passed but never brought into force.

Meanwhile, you might recall that a strategy was created recently to handle the territory’s solid waste. To be perfectly honest with you, my government seems to have misplaced this document. But as soon as it is found, it will be sent to Pockwood Pond for processing.

Also in the coming year, a Film Incentive Bill will be introduced to attract movie crews. Among other provisions, it will include a guarantee that the crews won’t be manhandled by law enforcement officers upon arrival.

Petty contracts

Last but not least, Madam Speaker, my government will hand out petty contracts like candy.

Seriously, it will rain petty contracts in this place. The contracts will be coming out of my government’s ears. Residents will literally be swimming in petty contracts. And I do mean “literally” literally.

Of course, all of these petty contracts will be tendered and open to the public so as to ensure that taxpayers get value for money.

Hahahahaha! Just kidding, Madam Speaker. As always, petty contracts will be top secret.

So don’t worry about a thing: As you can see, my government has taken the box and shredded it to be used as kitty litter.

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