Facing a daunting shortage of public funds, government has announced an innovative plan for completing the $150 million airport expansion.
“Instead of money, we plan to fund the project with a miracle,” Premier Dr. Orlando Smith said during a press conference at a local church. “We’re just asking everyone to have faith.”
Though the miracle has not yet been secured, officials said they have no doubt that it will come sooner rather than later.
“World history is full of examples of divine intercession,” Dr. Smith said, “and we see no reason why the Virgin Islands shouldn’t benefit.”
To help speed up the process, leaders are asking all residents to pray “very hard” during a special service on Sunday.
“Everyone’s help is needed,” the premier said. “Government cannot do it alone.”
Surprise discovery
The outside-the-box idea was conceived during a recent argument in Cabinet, where the airport expansion has been the subject of heated debate.
“We were discussing whether or not we could afford the project, and then the health minister threw up his hands and said we’d ‘need a miracle’ to fund it,” explained Deputy Premier Dr. Kedrick Pickering. “The room went silent, because everyone realised that he had just hit on the perfect solution.”
Further discussions were put on hold, and the United Kingdom was immediately notified about the new option. It quickly came on board.
“The UK has a longstanding tradition of miracles,” said a Foreign and Commonwealth Office representative, citing examples such as the political ascension of Opposition Leader Jeremy Corbyn. “So we have no doubt that this groundbreaking funding method will succeed.”
Once the UK granted approval, Cabinet selected the company China Communications Construction Company to undertake the project. Though some leaders wanted to use the planned miracle to secure a higher priced consortium that included more VI investors, others cautioned against asking a higher power for too much.
“We ultimately voted not to push our luck,” Dr. Smith explained.
Few details
Leaders conceded that details are sketchy at this time, but they pointed out that history shows that miracles often follow a period of blind faith.
“We’re currently very much in that blind-faith period,” Dr. Smith explained, “as when the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years.”
He was quick to add, however, that in this modern age the miracle is not expected to take nearly that long.
“Given the pace of modern communications, we believe strongly that it will come through by March or April,” the premier explained.
Officials aren’t sure exactly how the miracle will work — they have speculated that it could come in the form of surprise funding or even an overnight completion of the expansion by angels — but they said they are confident that it will occur.
“Divine intercession is definitely much more likely than a bank agreeing to loan us the money to do it,” Dr. Smith said, adding, “Recent miracles around the world have ranged from near-death experiences to the face of the Virgin Mary appearing in a piece of toast, so a new airport seems pretty simple.”
The bidder
Though CCCC has not been notified of the plan, leaders aren’t expecting any pushback from the firm.
“Who wouldn’t want to be part of a miracle?” the premier asked. “It will be great for their resume.”
Until work gets under way, the government is asking everyone to pray as hard as possible.
“With 30,000 people praying, we can’t imagine that we would be turned away,” the premier explained.
Pilgrimage site?
Besides facilitating direct flights between here and Miami, a miraculous airport is also expected to become a major tourist attraction in its own right.
“Throughout history, pilgrims have flocked to the sites of purported miracles,” Dr. Smith said. “And throughout history, they have spent money to stay in hotels and purchase souvenir trinkets.”
If the plan is a success, other public works in the VI might also be completed through miracles, officials said.
“The greenhouses are a prime example,” Dr. Pickering said. “We’d really like to see them start growing hundred-dollar bills, but our research on miracles has shown that you can’t necessarily pick and choose.”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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