Premier Dr. Orlando Smith was unable to answer some of the opposition’s recent questions in the House of Assembly because extraterrestrials stole his responses, he said.
The explanation came following queries from Opposition Leader Andrew Fahie about BVI Airways, government spending, and other topics of public interest.
“Madam Speaker, my ministries provided me with detailed responses, but then extraterrestrials came in the middle of the night and took them right out of my house while I slept, if you can believe that,” Dr. Smith said. “Therefore I am not able to answer these questions at this moment.”
Members of government are generally expected to answer opposition questions, but they can decline in certain cases, such as instances where providing a response poses a threat to national security.
But last month is widely believed to be the first time that a minister blamed aliens.
“I know it sounds like a half-baked excuse, but I don’t know what else to say,” Dr. Smith said when pressed by Mr. Fahie. “I’m not sure why these extraterrestrials did this, but I can tell you that I’m doing everything I can to get the answers back, including standing on my back deck each night and waving vigorously at the stars.”
However, since aliens are not known to be particularly responsive, the process of recovering the answers could take several years, he added.
Second request?
Asked by Mr. Fahie if he could simply request the answers from his ministries again, Dr. Smith chuckled.
“It was hard enough to get the information the first time around,” he said, adding that he is “terrified” of his department heads. “There’s just no way I’m going back to ask again.”
Mr. Fahie confessed that he could sympathise.
“Madam Speaker, I’ve been in a similar position when I was in government,” he said. “It’s definitely easier to conquer aliens that it is to get public officers to provide you with accurate information twice in a month.”
No one is sure why the extraterrestrials would want the answers to the HOA questions, but Dr. Smith put forward a theory.
“It is my suspicion, Madam Speaker, that they are considering setting up direct flights to Miami in order to compete with BVI Airways,” he said. “Rest assured, however, that even if they can offer much cheaper service, my government will continue to subsidise BVIA with millions of taxpayer dollars without requiring basic accountability.”
Other excuses
The alien visitation came after a run of coincidental misfortunes that prevented Dr. Smith from answering other questions in the HOA as well.
Last year, for example, he was preparing a series of responses about the Finance Ministry when his dog ate them.
“I was sitting in my house reviewing the answers, and Fido came and grabbed the whole thing in his mouth like a chew toy,” he told the HOA at the time. “So obviously I can’t answer those now.”
To ensure that this didn’t happen again, he leashed his dog and started keeping his answers in a locked cabinet. But then his printer broke.
“Madam Speaker, I was going to print out my answers this morning before breakfast and my printer just froze up,” he explained during a January sitting. “So I don’t have the answers to these questions either, but rest assured I’m doing all I can to remedy the problem.”
Because of difficulties finding a technician on island, it took several weeks to fix the printer, during which Dr. Smith was unable to answer other sets of questions in HOA meetings as well.
Early last month, however, the printer was finally repaired.
“And that’s when the aliens came,” he said, shaking his head. “It’s really unbelievable, and extremely disheartening. But I’m sure I’ll have these answers for my opposition colleagues as soon as I possibly can.”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
{fcomment}