Dear Passengers:

Please stop whining about the ferry service between Tortola and the United States Virgin Islands.

Your complaints are selfish and unreasonable, and they are becoming tiresome.

Weren’t you listening last month when Premier Dr. Orlando Smith assured everyone that the ferry system has improved significantly?

You should be celebrating! Instead, your complaints continue:

“Oh my God,” you cry. “It took us four hours to get from Road Town to Charlotte Amalie last week!”

“The ferry engine was smoking, and my children were terrified!”

“We were delayed so long we missed our flight home and had to spend $400 on a hotel!”

Clearly, you will never be satisfied.

Instead of bellyaching about such trifling concerns, why don’t you take responsibility for your own welfare?

Positive thinking

I suggest that you start by focusing on the bright side.

Sure, maybe a stranger’s baby puked on your lap three times, and ferry delays caused you to miss your flight and lose your job or whatever.

But were you kidnapped by extraterrestrials? I’m guessing that you were not.

In fact, to my knowledge the VI ferry system has a 100 percent success rate in protecting its passengers from extraterrestrial abductions.

Nor have any passengers in recent memory been snapped up by a killer whale, whisked away to Oz by a waterspout, or blinded by an angry seagull.

How’s that for a safety record?

These facts should be food for thought the next time you’re whining about the six-foot seas and the uselessness of Dramamine.

Helping out

While you’re thinking positive thoughts, here’s another novel idea: Try lending a hand.

Instead of relying on the expertise of a few beleaguered crewmembers, why not travel with your own marine mechanic? Then at least one person will know what to do when the engine catches fire.

This might seem like a big commitment, but you would be surprised by how many marine mechanics would jump at the chance for a free trip to the beautiful British Virgin Islands.

And, even if you can’t manage to bring an expert, there’s no reason not to get your own hands dirty.

When the ferry engine breaks down, don’t just sit there and complain: Put on your swimsuit and some fins, jump in the water, grab hold of the side of the ferry, and start kicking.

Surely other passengers would come to your aid, and before you can say “Jaws” you would have pushed the ferry to your destination.

Customer service

Unfortunately, most passengers don’t want to work. They expect just to show up and kick back while the captain and crewmembers sweat.

It’s hardly surprising, then, that ferry employees sometimes seem less than enthusiastic about answering your trivial questions:

“When are we going to get there?”

“Are we supposed to be going in circles?”

“Are there lifejackets on this thing?”

“Are we in a race with that other ferry?”

Perhaps you should put yourself in the crewmembers’ shoes. If they don’t explain why the boat is washing toward a rocky promontory at an alarming rate, maybe they are busy using their smart phones to alert their friends and family that they are running several hours late — just like you.

So instead of badgering crewmembers with pointless questions, try reaching out to them in a friendly manner.

If they cuss you out, turn the other cheek. If they cuss you out again, send your wife to talk to them. If they cuss her out, buy them some beers and some potato chips.

That ought to brighten their mood.

Donations please

Finally, please remember that the ferry companies are struggling. Their boats were built in the 1600s: They break down often and require regular maintenance, which is expensive.

This means that the companies can’t always afford the luxuries upon which you so stubbornly insist, such as “working engines,” “cleanliness,” and “crewmembers who don’t use profanity in front of children.”

So the next time you’re about to open your mouth and whine, open your chequebook instead. The ferry companies would be grateful for any donation you can make, but they prefer contributions of $1,000 and up.

If every passenger was so minded, I guarantee the ferry service would improve.

Heck, you might even be greeted by smiling crewmembers offering complimentary rum punch to enjoy during a comfortable, 50-minute ride.

Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.

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