Labour complaints to be outsourced
After three years of unsuccessful attempts to establish a labour tribunal, government has decided to outsource the function to Bangladesh.
Under the 2010 Labour Code, the tribunal is required to mediate in employer-employee disputes that the labour commissioner is unable to resolve.
But finding a chairman to head the body has been a major challenge.
“Inexplicably, our prospective candidates were unwilling to devote 16 or 17 hours a day to handling the thousands of complaints government has categorically ignored for several decades,” said Deputy Premier Dr. Kedrick Pickering, the minister of natural resources and labour. “We were greatly disappointed: All we asked was that they commit to doing a good job — and bend to a little political pressure every now and then.”
After dozens of young people on the Youth Employment Register also turned down the job, leaders considered raising the small stipend that was offered. But they ultimately decided that the cash-strapped government couldn’t afford the extra cost.
Outsourcing
Just when they were about to give up hope, an intern suggested outsourcing to India.
“It seemed like a no-brainer once we thought of it: Many job functions are handled abroad these days,” Dr. Pickering said. “If Indians can programme computers and telemarket, then surely they can mediate labour disputes. It’s not rocket science.”
But Indians proved to be too expensive.
“People speak English really well in India, and as a result they demand top-tier prices,” Dr. Pickering said. “Prices like $3.99 an hour. And when you multiply that by the number of complaints in the queue, it could cost us millions. So we decided we don’t need all the bells and whistles that India was offering.”
Instead, leaders decided to outsource to Bangladesh, a smaller country that offers similar services for about half the price, Dr. Pickering explained.
“We’re a basic no-frills complaint service in Bangladesh,” he said. “To save money, we were willing to forego luxuries like comprehensible English. We might upgrade one day, but for now we expect the system will help us get through our extensive backlog at a minimal cost.”
Disputes
From now on, the Bangladesh-based tribunal will mediate all VI labour disputes through conference calls.
“The disputing parties will meet at the Labour Department and speak via Skype with a trained Bangladeshi labour tribunal chairman named John,” the minister explained. “We can assure you that the outcome will be very fair.”
The chairman will ask both parties a series of questions:
“What wrong now here?”
“How long for problem?”
“Situation responsibility not is happening yesterday?”
“Who see end taken right truth justice?”
Then, after listening carefully to the parties’ answers and considering both sides of the dispute, the Bangladeshi chairman will suggest a reasonable resolution.
To avoid confusion, he will narrow his final decision down to one of 20 official responses, which include “yes;” “no;” “it is certain;” “reply hazy try again;” “don’t count on it;” “outlook not so good,” and others.
Dr. Pickering declined to comment on the similarity between these phrases and the responses provided by a Magic 8 Ball toy.
“The important thing is that justice will be served,” he said. “Anyway — and I’m not confirming that a Magic 8 Ball will be used in the mediation process — the toy has a similar number of affirmative and negative responses, many of which are very wise. Thus, I would think an 8 Ball would provide very fair responses — if it were used, that is.”
Pilot programme
The new system, which was piloted last week, seems to be working, officials said.
“We haven’t heard any complaints,” Dr. Pickering said. “Of course, if we did get any complaints, they would automatically be routed to Bangladesh. But still.”
In the coming months, government plans to consider outsourcing other agencies’ complaint functions.
“If we send Bangladesh enough business, we’ll get a discount from $2.49 per hour to $2.39,” Dr. Pickering said. “Eventually, we could probably even do away with some positions — such as, say, the complaints commissioner.”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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