Facing the possibility that Donald Trump could be the next president of the United States, the entire Caribbean has decided to move to the South Pacific, leaders announced this week.
The measure is designed primarily to protect the islands from the xenophobia and racism that many associate with Mr. Trump’s campaign, but it is expected to have other benefits as well.
“Given the increasing likelihood of World War III, it seems wise to be far away from the US,” explained Dominica Prime Minister Roosevelt Skerrit, who currently chairs the Caribbean Community. “Many Caribbean countries don’t even have armies.”
Though Mr. Trump was the main impetus for the decision, leaders noted that they will stick to the plan even if Hillary Clinton wins the election.
“We just can’t bring ourselves to like her, you know?” explained Mr. Skerrit. “Honestly, most Caribbean leaders have been feeling the Bern lately.”
Building a wall?
The decision came last Thursday following the Republican National Convention.
Huddled in an emergency meeting in Jamaica, leaders from around the region discussed the best way to protect the region from a Trump presidency.
“We knew we had to do something fast,” Mr. Skerrit said. “We just weren’t sure what.”
They first considered building an enormous floating wall to separate the Caribbean from the US.
“That would have helped ensure that our peace-loving region isn’t invaded,” he said, “but that option wasn’t affordable — even if we pooled our resources.”
Leaders then considered asking Mr. Trump to fund the wall as he has promised to do for Mexico, but they decided that even if he agreed he couldn’t be trusted to keep his word.
“Besides, given his record in the business world, we might wind up with a shoddy unfinished wall that is completely useless,” Mr. Skerrit explained. “And it could prove to be an environmental disaster.”
Moving away
Instead, Caricom members decided that it would be much cheaper and easier simply to move their entire populations to the South Pacific.
“There are hundreds of islands there that remain uninhabited and pristine,” explained Jamaica Prime Minister Andrew Holness, who is in charge of the relocation effort. “So starting next month, we’re asking all of our people to pack up their belongings and get on a plane. So far we’ve met with no resistance whatsoever.”
The Caribbean economy, which has long relied heavily on American tourists, is expected to thrive in the South Pacific: The region’s new proximity to China will enable it to lure visitors from that country’s rapidly growing middle class.
“We’re bringing the Caribbean to a new market,” Mr. Holness explained. “And we suspect that this new market will be far less likely to walk around our capital cities shirtless.”
Overseas territories
The Virgin Islands and other British overseas territories, which are associate members of Caricom, were initially hesitant to agree to relocate.
“We knew we’d have to get the United Kingdom’s permission, and we thought that might be difficult,” explained Premier Dr. Orlando Smith. “But when we mentioned it in passing, they were so busy dealing with their own Brexit crisis that they just said, ‘Sure, whatever.’”
Moving closer to China is also expected to boost the VI’s financial services industry.
“For years, we’ve been saying that Asia is the future of offshore,” the premier said. “Now it’s happening.”
For sale?
When Mr. Trump learned of the initiative this week, he expressed great annoyance.
“Why are you asking me questions about Africa, you idiot?” he asked a reporter who brought the plan to his attention. “I’m running for president of the US, not president of Africa!”
After the reporter explained that the Caribbean is located not in Africa but just south of the US, Mr. Trump expressed an interest in purchasing the region to add to his casino empire.
“Is the ‘Caribbean’ in the Third World?” he asked. “I’ll bet I could get a great deal on it.”
Meanwhile, Ms. Clinton was reluctant to comment on the Caribbean initiative, but she said she would take a firm position “as soon as a time has come that it is the right time for taking a firm position on something on which a firm position must be taken at the right time.”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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