At first, government leaders were alarmed by the growing number of negative reports about the cruise pier project.
Now they have devised a way to use the documents to their advantage.
Instead of circulating in the public domain, the reports will be recycled and used to construct the foundation of the pier extension, Communications and Works Minister Mark Vanterpool announced Tuesday.
“This is the perfect use for a bunch of useless reports that are full of lies,” Mr. Vanterpool said during a press conference. “Instead of misleading the public, they will serve a practical purpose and save millions of dollars in concrete costs.”
Officials said the plan was devised after “the last straw” on Thursday, when the opposition-led Public Accounts Committee tabled a report in the House of Assembly.
Echoing an earlier audit, the report harshly criticised the government’s original agreement with the United States-based consortium Tortola Ports Partners, which has since been cancelled.
Both documents alleged that the TPP selection process was not properly transparent and that it circumvented standards of best practice.
“Madam Speaker, these outrageous allegations are the most outrageous outrageousness I have ever heard,” Mr. Vanterpool told the HOA last Thursday, adding that he was “outraged.”
The minister categorically denied all the allegations in the reports, suggesting that they were politically motivated and false.
He also sought to paint a picture of a conspiracy that included the opposition, the PAC, the auditor general, the media, and several characters from the board game Clue.
“I suspect that Miss Scarlett and Professor Plum helped devise these baseless allegations in the library using the candlestick,” Mr. Vanterpool said. “It is utterly appalling.”
Going green
However, all is not lost, he said.
Starting next week, the minister will launch a major recycling effort by collecting all of the negative material written about the cruise pier plans.
The thousands of pages of documents will be shredded, mixed with glue, and used to create large globs of papier mâché, which Mr. Vanterpool said will be “extremely durable after it hardens.”
Workers will use the material to construct the piles on which the pier extension will be built.
“This process will effectively repurpose misleading information in an eco-friendly manner,” Mr. Vanterpool explained. “We will build the greenest pier in the Caribbean, if not the world.”
The minister sought to downplay concerns about whether papier mâché dissolves in water.
“I’m not an engineer, but you have to understand that the piles will be buried,” he told reporters. “My understanding is that much of the repurposed material will actually be underground, where it belongs.”
If the consultants associated with the recycling project — who are highly qualified voters hand-selected from Mr. Vanterpool’s Fourth District — prove to be wrong, there are other options, he added.
“We can probably use the material for the landside development under the watchful eye of Disney,” he explained.
Public participation
The government is inviting the public to participate in the project as well.
Media outlets and residents are asked to provide copies of newspapers and other publications that include negative articles about the cruise pier extension. These, too, will be converted to papier mâché.
“We are seeking any and all publications that might be used to tarnish the good name of this great project,” Mr. Vanterpool explained. “Together we can make sure that all the news about the pier is positive.”
Media outlets that comply with the request will be forgiven for publishing “exceedingly inaccurate” information, officials said.
Other participating residents will be entered into a drawing for a weekend trip to Dominica.
‘Pilot’ programme
Copies of the environmental impact assessment for the pier project, which have not been released to the public, will be used in a similar manner.
Officials described the recycling initiative as a pilot programme: If it proves successful, other documents might be used for similar purposes.
“There are literally thousands of consultancies and other reports cluttering government shelves, most of which have never been released to the public,” an official said. “We’ve always wondered how to use those things, which cost hundreds of thousands of dollars to create. We don’t want them to go to waste.”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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