In an effort to level the playing field in the coming election, Virgin Islands Party Chairman Julian Fraser is urging voters to judge him solely on the basis of his luxuriant moustache.
During a public meeting last week in his Third District, Mr. Fraser claimed that his political opponents have been spreading a “vicious rumour.”
“They’re saying that my potential success as premier can be gauged by my past record in office,” he said. “That is so unfair!”
To underscore his point, he listed several initiatives that were harshly criticised during his most recent tenure as minister of communications and works: the traffic lights at the Road Town Roundabout; the Sea Cows Bay Harbour Development project; and the large no-bid contract with Biwater.
“You see what I mean?” he asked. “If people focus on stuff like that, why would they vote for me? But none of those projects has anything to do with my premiership.”
Moustache
His whiskers, he said, are a different story.
Experts are divided on how to classify Mr. Fraser’s thick, salt-and-pepper moustache — opinions range from a “handlebar” to a “Fraser Manchu” — but they all agree that it is magnificent.
At the public meeting, Mr. Fraser contended that his whiskers have helped protect the financial services sector, boosted tourism arrivals by some 30 percent, and kept the territory from going broke even as the moustache-challenged National Democratic Party has made poor fiscal decisions.
Moreover, he added, the moustache has been “highly accessible” to anyone who tunes in to House of Assembly meetings on television.
“Children love it,” he said. “It’s like I’m everyone’s zany uncle.”
Man for the job
Instead of “dwelling in the past,” Mr. Fraser said, voters should focus on the many reasons his moustache would make him a good premier.
“It portrays an image of virile masculinity, even while suggesting the wisdom that comes with age,” he offered, adding that he has learned much from former VIP Chairman Ralph O’Neal.
Mr. O’Neal’s facial hair, he explained, was “almost certainly” the reason for his success as the leader of the territory for so many years.
“Nevertheless, Honourable O’Neal’s moustache is very small and unassuming,” Mr. Fraser said. “I don’t mean to cast aspersions on it — it’s a dignified little thing — but the times are changing, and a 21st Century Virgin Islands needs a 21st Century moustache at the helm.”
Mr. Fraser also pointed out that Russian President Vladimir Putin has been photographed engaging in rugged pursuits, including hunting for big game and stroking a tiger.
“He is so manly!” Mr. Fraser said. “Would you want your leader to come to the negotiating table with Mr. Putin and appear weak? Of course not.”
Making it snazzy
After listening to Mr. Fraser’s speech, most attendees at last week’s meeting agreed that snazzy facial hair is a crucial component of good leadership.
But they argued about particulars.
Much of the meeting was dominated by a heated discussion about whether Mr. Fraser should curl the ends of his moustache upward or downward.
“I believe strongly in upward curls like those traditionally associated with Sherlock Holmes,” said one man.
But another attendee argued that she found upturned moustaches “undignified,” and urged Mr. Fraser to wrap his whiskers around his lips instead.
A third argued against any curlage, explaining that he considers moustache wax to be “effeminate.”
Mr. Fraser said he would take all of these suggestions into consideration before deciding the final shape that his moustache would take as premier.
Until then, he added, he plans to experiment.
Best in the HOA
In spite of the passionate arguments, there was one thing that all meeting attendees agreed on: Mr. Fraser’s moustache is without a doubt the best in the House of Assembly.
“There’s not really much competition,” said one attendee. “A couple other leaders have a few whiskers, but you hardly even notice them.”
She added that she was glad she came to the meeting.
“I was planning to make a careful assessment of the candidates based on their past history in office,” she said. “But now I see that I was misguided by propagandists.”
Premier Dr. Orlando Smith declined to comment on Mr. Fraser’s facial hair, but he is widely expected to stop shaving his upper lip immediately in order to be a serious contender in next year’s election.
However, it is Alvin Christopher — the Second District representative who often sports a thick beard — who is believed to be Mr. Fraser’s most viable challenger.
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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