The new senior home in Spooners Estate has been delayed indefinitely, but that doesn’t mean the territory’s elders will be left behind, government announced this week.
“I’m pleased to announce the new Virgin Islands Adopt-a-Senior Programme, which will ensure that all senior citizens in the territory have a roof over their heads for the foreseeable future,” a healthy-aging consultant from the United States gushed during a Tuesday launching ceremony. “This innovative initiative will see the elderly placed in homes, businesses and hotel rooms around the territory.”
Shortly after the announcement, government ministers kicked off the programme by each adopting a senior of their own.
In the coming weeks, they said, all residents will be encouraged to do the same — even if they feel that they are unable to accommodate a new member of their household.
“You’d be surprised at how small a space a senior really needs: Many of the older ones weigh less than 100 pounds,” said the consultant. “If you even have a spare closet or a little extra porch space, chances are good that the conditions there are far better than at the Adina Donovan Home for the Elderly.”
That facility has been criticised for years for its rundown condition and other issues, but successive governments’ promises to build a replacement have repeatedly stalled.
The Adopt-a-Senior Programme is expected to render those efforts unnecessary.
“There are so many large homes in the VI that we shouldn’t have any problem housing all of the territory’s seniors with out the home,” the consultant said. “And Adina Donovan residents will be first up for adoption.”
Benefits
There are many benefits to adopting a senior, the consultant said.
“First of all, it’s great karma,” he explained. “Secondly — though we don’t encourage anyone to adopt solely to acquire free labour — many of them are strong enough to at least wash dishes, cook, clean a bathroom and carry out other chores on a daily basis. Hint, hint.”
He added that seniors can help discipline children and teach them the territory’s traditions and culture.
“And many of them cook a delicious pea soup as well,” he said. “It’s a win-win situation.”
Businesses also stand to benefit.
“If, for example, a shop proprietor is worried about burglaries during the night, he can set up a cot for his adopted senior,” he said. “And believe me, there’s no better security system than a disgruntled senior who’s been jolted awake by a young hoodlum. You won’t have to pay another dime to a security company.”
Several financial services firms, he noted, have already expressed interest in adopting for the purpose.
Meanwhile, a Tortola resort has announced plans to adopt four seniors to play dominoes and add character to the resort’s beach.
“We’ll only put them on display when tourists ask,” explained the general manager. “And when we’re too crowded, we’ll simply loan them to our staff for a week or two.”
Tourists
Even cruise ship tourists will get a chance to participate in the initiative.
“A few dozen seniors will be stored in a warehouse at the Tortola Pier Park, and when cruise ships arrive passengers will get the option of adopting for a day,” Mr. Skelton explained. “The seniors will be happy to serve as tour guides in exchange for a warm meal and a couple drinks.”
Visitors who grow attached to particular seniors will be more than welcome to take them home.
“Wouldn’t that be a remarkable souvenir?” asked the consultant. “You would be the envy of all your friends!”
Though the programme is optional for now, legislators might make it mandatory if not enough volunteers sign up.
“We don’t foresee any issues, but lawmakers can always pass legislation requiring all expatriates to house a senior as part of their work permit requirements,” explained the consultant.
For their part, seniors said they are thrilled by the initiative.
“I’m going to be free! I’m going to…” said one of the adoptees before falling asleep in her chair.
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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