As part of Trade Entrepreneurial Week, the government recently hosted a seminar for small businesses about financial management. But given the government’s recent difficulties managing its own finances, I couldn’t help wondering if the seminar’s schedule might resemble the following.
9 a.m.: Dodging audits
Everyone hates audits. Attendees to this session will learn how to avoid them entirely.
Speakers will include public officers who have helped postponed government’s own audits for more than a decade — and thus have avoided responsibility for their actions.
Will it work for your small business? Of course!
The public officers will teach various delaying tactics that can be used anywhere, including making excuses, creating distractions and playing dumb.
After a series of presentations, attendees will join breakout groups that will focus on themes including “Can an Audit Actually be Delayed Forever?” and “Can I go to Jail for This?”
Afterwards, elected leaders will provide a detailed update on their long-running efforts to postpone public audits until after the 2019 election.
11 a.m.: Accuracy Smaccuracy
Does accuracy really matter when it comes to financial management?
On hand to answer that difficult question will be a range of public officers who recently provided the House of Assembly with contradictory information about government accounts.
Some of their errors were minor; others weren’t. HOA members were angry, but were they overreacting?
Attendees will consider such questions during this one-hour session as they mull whether they themselves should hire an accountant or simply “wing it.”
1 p.m.: Being a boss
This session will be headed by Governor John Duncan.
Though Mr. Duncan was invited to explain his recent decision to assert control over public finances, he will discuss whatever he jolly well feels like discussing — if he even decides to show up.
Everyone is expected to be very quiet and respectful during this session, and anyone who so much as sneezes could be asked to leave.
Attendees will come away from the session with a keen understanding of what it means to be a boss.
Please note: The governor will not be taking questions.
2 p.m.: Pointing fingers
So you’ve made some serious fiscal mistakes, and you’re wondering what to do now?
Don’t panic. In this master class, seasoned experts from government will explain how to pin the blame on someone else.
During the first half of the session, attendees will hear from government ministers, who often blame public officers for misreporting figures.
During the second half, attendees will hear from public officers, who often blame ministers for forcing irresponsible fiscal decisions down their throats.
Who’s really at fault? No one knows! But if your stories are sufficiently confusing, no one will ever have to take responsibility, and everyone wins!
3 p.m. Dummies for Dummies
In this session, budding entrepreneurs will learn about what it’s like to work with people who simply don’t care about financial management.
To that end, senior public officers will discuss their relationships with government ministers who routinely eschew financial planning in order to award petty contracts to their political supporters.
Anyone who opposes these ministers risks of being reassigned to the dump at Pockwood Pond. Anyone who goes along with their wishes risks getting sold out when their actions come to light.
During this session, attendees will explore how to navigate such delicate situations, learning what to do if they find themselves working with someone who just doesn’t give a crap.
4 p.m. Vacation timing
When your finances appear to be going down the tubes, should you roll up your sleeves and get to work? Or should you do exactly the opposite?
During this roundtable, senior government officials will explain how they decide when to stick around to clean up a mess — and when to take a long vacation.
The same techniques could work wonders for your business.
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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