After struggling for months to raise money for the landside cruise pier project, the BVI Ports Authority is now offering to give away shares for free — and to reward any takers with a handsome fee and a widescreen television.
The move comes after multiple public offerings inexplicably failed to find interested investors, according to a consultant hired to “resuscitate” the scheme.
“It was very strange,” said the consultant, a used-car salesman from Nebraska. “For some reason, no one wanted to give their hard-earned money to a government that has such a fantastic record with public infrastructure projects.”
After the slow start, the BVIPA widely advertised the offerings, first to belongers and then to pretty much anyone with a pulse.
But very few people bought shares, and the BVIPA still hasn’t said how much was raised from the most recent offering, which closed last month.
Ideas
Since he was hired, the used-car salesman has tried various tactics to stir up interest.
“From the start, we told everyone about the high rates of return that they’d earn from the shares,” he said. “But that didn’t work, so we decided to enter all investors into a raffle for a free cruise.”
When that step didn’t produce results either, the BVIPA offered free roundtrip flights to all investors.
“It was a $1,000 value, plus all the money you’d earn on the shares,” explained the consultant. “It was a great deal!”
Still, interest didn’t catch on.
Now, following the consultant’s advice, the government has pulled out all the stops: For a limited time only, the BVIPA is giving away the $5,000 shares for free, along with $1,000 cash and a free television.
“This way, they’ll get free money, even if the project flops — which of course could never happen,” the consultant explained. “Investors have nothing to lose, but they must act now!”
Anyone who accepts shares before 5 p.m. Friday will also receive several other prizes, including free shots, T-shirts and even staycations.
“There’s only one catch,” the consultant said. “We can’t offer this great deal forever: It’s only on the table until we generate sufficient interest.”
Sceptical
Still, many residents remained sceptical.
Some have questioned the profitability of the venture, which hinges on renting out commercial space in the new cruise pier village.
“Who’s going to rent at those prices?” asked a Road Town woman. “And what am I going to do with a share of a big empty village? Will I have some kind of liability? I’m investing in 5Links instead.”
But the consultant assured potential investors that such concerns are unfounded, insisting that there is no liability associated with purchasing shares.
“In fact, if I had the money, I’d purchase all the shares myself!” he said.
When a reporter pointed out that no money would be required to receive free shares, he quickly changed the subject.
“Man, I’ve been all over the world, and I’ve never seen a deal like this!” he said. “Ever. I just can’t stop thinking about how rich you’ll be if you come on board now.”
He cautioned that once word spreads, the shares will disappear quickly.
“I know that financial advisors warn against any investment that is described as ‘too good to be true,’ but this offer really is too good to be true,” he said. “It’s amazing!”
If residents don’t act soon, he added, the government plans to send him abroad with thousands of shares to sell in other countries around the region.
“They’ll snap them right up, and you’ll miss your chance,” he said. “I promise.”
Asked how the government can be sure that he will return with the money he makes from selling the shares, the consultant chuckled and started making his way toward the door.
“I’m not sure how that question is connected to this incredible opportunity to make you rich,” he said as he left the room, calling from the hallway, “Invest now! There’s no time to lose!”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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