Forecasters are uncertain about the coming hurricane season because of God, they announced this week.
“Lord knows how many major storms will form in the Atlantic Basin this year,” said a top meteorologist from the United States. “Unfortunately, He is the only one who knows. But we are doing everything we can to get Him to give out some information in time to provide a reliable forecast.”
The announcement marks a major turning point in the field of meteorology. For decades, forecasters have attempted to use science to establish a reliable method for predicting the storm season.
And for decades, they have failed.
“We were always wrong,” said the meteorologist, who leads a team responsible for the annual hurricane predictions. “We tried lots of excuses: We blamed El Nino; then when global warming came along, we blamed that. But people are getting more and more sceptical.”
The meteorologists considered giving up entirely, but then they realised that they would be out of a job if they did. So they decided to go back to the drawing board.
“That’s when we started revising our predictions in the middle of the storm season,” he recounted. “If at midseason no storm had formed, we simply downgraded our predictions, and then at the end of the year we praised our own accuracy.”
This method worked well for a few years, but then people started catching on.
“They asked if our predictions had any meaning at all,” he said. “And to be perfectly honest, they didn’t.”
Higher power
Now that the scientists have accepted that a higher power is at the root of weather conditions, they have changed their methodology.
“Instead of scientifically analysing historical trends, we’ve turned our attention to determining how God operates. For example, is he a vengeful autocrat or a kind, forgiving provider?” he explained.
They’re also studying whether there are certain human behaviours that make Him angry and thus more likely to deal a deadly blow.
In the future, they hope to use such information to predict whether God is likely to annihilate certain countries with storms.
But they cautioned that drawing firm conclusions isn’t easy.
“At this point, more study and prayer is urgently needed,” the meteorologist explained. “We have spoken to religious leaders of many different faiths, and there are competing theories about how we should work to convince God to release information about the coming storm season.”
No aspersions
The scientists were quick to add that they do not wish to cast aspersions on the creator of the universe.
“We don’t want to come across as pointing fingers or blaming God for the unpredictability of the weather,” he said. “We’re just saying that He makes it a little difficult to get any real science done when it comes to forecasting hurricanes.”
They noted that if God would send an occasional sign, they would be better positioned to help the hemisphere prepare for possible weather catastrophes.
“We don’t need anything major,” the scientist said. “Even a small burning bush would help tremendously.”
Predictions
Though their research may never justify the ways of God to man, the scientists are confident enough in their progress to make preliminary predictions for the Atlantic hurricane season, which starts in June.
They said there will be eight hurricanes, 12 major gales, and a fluke sandstorm named George.
“We threw George in there as a test,” the meteorologist said. “We’ve never seen a sandstorm over the ocean. If one happens this year, we will take it as a sign from God, who we trust is listening right now.”
In the meantime, the meteorologists are asking the Caribbean region to start preparing by praying as often as possible.
“And if anyone sees a sign from God, please let us know,” the meteorologist advised. “It doesn’t have to be anything as dramatic as the Virgin Mary in a cheese sandwich, or the face of Jesus in the clouds. It could be something as simple as the likeness of a hurricane in your morning coffee as you stir in your creamer. That could be a sign. Seriously.”
Attempts to reach God for comment were unsuccessful.
Editor’s note: This column is reprinted from March 5, 2015, but it is as relevant as ever due to God.
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.