Rep drops ‘charade,’ begs to be premier

In a surprise move, Third District Representative Julian Fraser fell to his knees during a live television show yesterday and admitted that he “really, really, really” wants to be premier.

Wiping away tears, he begged residents to help him achieve a “lifelong dream that has been thwarted at every turn.”

“It’s all I’ve ever wanted,” the opposition member said. “Please. Just let me be your leader.”

The plea followed months of political manoeuvring that began with heated attacks on the government’s economic programme.

At first, Mr. Fraser deftly disguised his criticism as sincere concern about good governance.

But his condemnations soon devolved into irate, confusing diatribes reminiscent of 2011’s election campaigns.

Yesterday’s television show appeared at first to be more of the same: Mr. Fraser began by discussing the no-confidence motion he plans to bring against the government this week.

But after a few words, he appeared to choke up. Then he came clean, launching into an apparently unscripted confession.

“Look: I’ll be honest,” he said after a long pause. “Ever since I was a child I’ve been different. Some kids wanted to be fire fighters. Some wanted to be cops. I wanted to be the boss of everybody. And I haven’t changed since then.”

 

Something missing

Though his years as minister of communications and works were fulfilling, he frequently felt restricted, he recounted.

“There was always someone else telling me what to do,” he said. “I hate being told what to do. I like to do what I want, when I want.”

As an example, he cited the traffic lights he installed at the Road Town roundabout during his most recent tenure as minister.

“Just because they created horrific traffic deadlock in the capital city, I was forced to remove them,” he said. “When I’m premier, I’ll bring them back, and that’s a promise!”

Other great ideas were also thwarted, including creating a four-lane highway through Road Town instead of refurbishing the Queen Elizabeth II Park, he said.

That project will be re-launched as soon as he is elected premier, he promised. Likewise, the Sea Cows Bay Harbour Development Project.

“Everyone complains about the secrecy surrounding that venture,” he said. “But now I can finally tell you why I’ve been keeping the details under wraps for so long: I want it to be a surprise for my people when I’m elected premier.”

That surprise also might involve relocating the territory’s capital city to Mr. Fraser’s Third District, he said.

 

‘Emotional’

With such big plans at stake, Mr. Fraser said the past three years have been an “emotional roller coaster” amid rumours that his opposition colleague Ralph O’Neal might give up his position as leader of the Virgin Islands Party.

“That talk really got my hopes up,” Mr. Fraser said. “But apparently it was baseless.”

Replacing Mr. O’Neal as opposition leader, he explained, would be an important step toward fulfilling his lifelong goal.

“After that I’d just need one more election,” he said. “Then the next step would be world domina— err, the premiership.”

After the rumours about Mr. O’Neal proved false, Mr. Fraser felt helpless, but he refused to give up.

“I worked overtime to discredit my political opponents and improve my chances of leading the party,” he said. “I’ve had to say some pretty ridiculous things. And I plan to continue saying ridiculous things even now that I’ve decided to stop the charade and be honest about my dream.”

 

 

Reaction

Other opposition members had mixed reactions to Mr. Fraser’s confession.

“My colleague’s impassioned plea was so moving that I was inspired to re-examine my own life,” Andrew Fahie (R-D1) said in a television appearance this morning. “After much careful reflection, I reached a startling conclusion: my lifelong ambition is exactly the same as Honourable Fraser’s. I, too, want to be premier. I know, I know — it’s a really strange coincidence, but life is funny sometimes.”

Though he acknowledged that some conflict could arise in the near future, Mr. Fahie insisted that his goal is not necessarily incompatible with Mr. Fraser’s.

“I believe we can devise a solution through which we can both reach personal fulfilment,” Mr. Fahie said. “Maybe we can work out a power-sharing system, where he’s premier on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and I’m premier the rest of the week.”

Another opposition member, Alvin Christopher (R-D2), said Mr. Fraser’s announcement was “profound and thought-provoking.”

“I respect Honourable Fraser’s bravery in publicly sharing his dream, but I can’t say at this time whether or not I can fully support his ambition,” Mr. Christopher said.

Mr. O’Neal said he was unable to comment until instructed to do so by God, who has been silent for some time on a number of matters.

Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.

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