Lots of important news happened this year in the Virgin Islands. Unfortunately, though, nobody noticed because Donald Trump didn’t tweet about it.
Nonetheless, life went on.
Around the start of the year, VI leaders promised once again that work would start soon on a new airport. No one was believed them, so they quickly announced a more realistic approach: subsidising BVI Airways with $7 million of taxpayers’ money to magically teleport passengers between here and Miami.
The year also kicked off with the launch of the National Health Insurance programme, which has since garnered praise from the residents who are not still standing in line to collect their NHI cards.
In February, the Tortola Pier Park opened with a well-attended celebration. Amid the fanfare, government explained that it had balanced out the project’s $30 million cost overruns by cancelling a $30,000 fireworks display. When someone questioned the logic of this accounting, the premier pointed out that Little Switzerland was having a sale on Pandora charms, and the matter was immediately forgotten.
Deputy Premier Dr. Kedrick Pickering praised the COP 21 climate change agreement reached last year by many of the world’s largest countries. Unfortunately, no one heard him because the Central Administration Building was sinking into a rapidly rising ocean.
Panama Papers
In April, media outlets around the world broke news about the Panama Papers, a cache of documents leaked from the Panama-based law firm Mossack Fonseca. The VI government responded forcefully, announcing that Mossack’s VI office would be probed by a team of seasoned investigators from Miss Jones’ kindergarten class at the Enid Scatliffe Pre-primary School.
Leaders admitted that funding for East End/Long Look sewerage work had been diverted to the Tortola Pier Park. This move, they explained, was consistent with their longstanding policy of diverting EE/LL’s sewage to the community’s streets.
Early in the year, leaders gave contradictory answers about whether a business case had been completed for the airport project as required by the Protocols for Effective Financial Management. No one seemed to know, but Governor John Duncan used the opportunity to school a Beacon reporter in the delightful French phrase “chercher le petite bete,” which means “looking for the small insect.”
KPMG launched an audit of the Tortola Pier Park. The effort is expected to answer burning questions such as whether Jimmy Buffet will be the bartender at the planned Margaritaville Restaurant — and if so if he will always have a parrot on his shoulder.
Resort closure
At the start of May, Rosewood Little Dix Bay resort closed for renovations, laying off some 300 workers. The resort’s owners denied being out of touch with their employees, who they suggested should view the temporary closure as “a prime opportunity to take 18-month vacations aboard their megayachts.”
The Queen Elizabeth II Park opened with much fanfare. The opposition immediately called for an inquiry into the use of taxpayers’ money on a project that so clearly benefits the public.
The United Kingdom shocked the world by voting to leave the European Union. Overseas territory leaders quickly assured their people that the move wouldn’t affect the OTs’ EU privileges, including the right to be included on arbitrary EU blacklists.
Roadwork
Back in the VI, government completed miles of roadwork across the territory in order to give itself plenty of fresh asphalt to dig up again later.
Governor John Duncan met with journalists at a rare press conference, in the middle of which he abruptly stormed out after realising that journalists were the ones who had been writing all those stories about him.
In August, the first cases of Zika were confirmed in the VI. The government responded immediately by raising work permit fees for foreign mosquitoes.
Crafts Alive vendors picketed the Central Administration Building to protest the government’s longstanding practice of allowing them to fall behind on rent.
Around the same time, the government announced that tourism numbers were up by 27.3 percent during the first half of the year. However, they later realised that most of the arrivals were not tourists but refugees escaping from the US presidential campaign.
Greenhouses
The HOA voted to approve a $1.5 million loan to complete the greenhouses in Paraquita Bay. The facilities are expected to pay for themselves by 2025, provided that farmers are able to devise a way to literally grow money.
UK leaders continued to pressure the overseas territories to implement public registers of beneficial ownership. The OTs responded with a joint statement offering instead to establish public registers of “mind your own business.”
The government unveiled a new energy policy that involves harnessing alternative energy sources. The most promising option is the hot air that routinely rushes out of the HOA, which is believed to be sufficient to power the Caribbean, if not the entire Western Hemisphere.
Flow invested millions in telecommunications infrastructure, pledging that the VI’s internet service will soon be up to par with standards established in 1950. The company also announced a complementary plan to implement a futuristic concept called “customer service.”
In the year’s most highly anticipated Ultimate Fighting Championship, First District Representative Andrew Fahie ousted Opposition Leader Julian Fraser from the chairmanship of the Virgin Islands Party. Somewhere deep in the Third District, a voter wiped away a tear.
Tickets
Glen “Supacop” Callwood returned to duty after a three-plus-year interdiction. During his first 10 minutes back on the job, he ticketed a range of offenders, including a forklift operator, a great-great-grandmother, a goat, a Styrofoam container, and the Road Town roundabout, which was obstructing traffic.
In November, Donald Trump was elected to be the next president of the US. The following morning, dozens of countries started the process of seceding from Planet Earth, which they believe will soon be destroyed anyway.
Finally, in December, the government announced plans to streamline the work-permit process by implementing the most complicated fee structure in the world.
That was about it for 2016. Here’s hoping that 2017 will be half as exciting for the VI. And with any luck, Donald Trump will tweet about it.
Happy New Year, everyone!
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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