No doubt about it: 2015 was a year to remember.
By January, the new hospital was finally up and running. The first patients were government officials who had suffered heart attacks upon learning how much the facility cost.
Throughout the year, United Kingdom Prime Minister David Cameron pushed the overseas territories to establish public registers of beneficial ownership. Premier Dr. Orlando Smith declined, but promised that the Virgin Islands would institute alternative measures that are equally effective, such as drawing sketches of Mr. Cameron in a large colouring book.
VI leaders urged the UK to allow them to build a $400 million airport, explaining that they have devised a foolproof method for repaying the loan: buying dozens of Puerto Rico lottery tickets each week and waiting to get lucky.
Inquiry
In March, Governor John Duncan declined the opposition’s request to hold an inquiry into the cruise pier project. Instead, he launched an inquiry into whether there is any chance the Canadian pop star Justin Bieber might be convinced to perform at a revamped Cane Garden Bay Music Festival.
At the time, the governor also touted his commitment to transparency. Later in the year, however, he admitted that because of a slip of the tongue he had accidently said “transparency” when he meant to say “Justin’s awesome new hit ‘Where Are Ü Now.’”
Officials attempted to visit Anegada to assess the dangers of rising sea levels there, but the sister island was nowhere to be found.
BVI Ports Authority officials said the Tortola Pier Park would be completed in April. When it wasn’t, they explained that they meant April 2030.
Elections
As the campaign season got under way, challengers to the incumbent National Democratic Party rolled out their campaigns.
Chief among them was Julian Fraser (R-D3), who managed to assemble a full slate of candidates by touting his most significant qualification: his luxuriant moustache.
In spite of his efforts, however, the NDP rolled to a resounding victory on election night under the slogan, “The Party Not Led by Julian Fraser.”
But the winners’ celebrations abruptly subsided into an embarrassed silence when they realised their main opponent was a guy who once installed traffic lights at the Road Town roundabout.
More than a month after the election, Mr. Fraser and Andrew Fahie (R-D1) couldn’t agree on who would lead the opposition, so the governor appointed Justin Bieber to the position with the hope that the move would increase the likelihood of the star performing in the VI this year.
Gambling
In July, government announced plans to hire a Dominican Republic company to ensure that the greenhouses in Paraquita Bay are soon so overgrown with bush that voters will forget that they ever existed.
Later, Education and Culture Minister Myron Walwyn made a case for legalised gambling at the horse track. Horse-racing fans across the territory immediately placed large bets on whether the programme would actually take effect.
The new Financial Services Implementation Unit appointed several “champions” charged with promoting the financial industry. However, many of them resigned in protest when they realised that that the position did not come with superpowers or capes.
The FSIU also sent representatives to meet with the Labour and Immigration departments about streamlining the agencies’ operations. They were told to take a number, and as of press time they were still waiting.
Law year
During the opening of the new law year, judges urged attorneys to arrive to court on time. However, most attorneys didn’t show up at the ceremony until long after the judges had finished speaking.
Delegates from postal agencies around the world came to the territory for the 18th Caribbean Postal Union Conference in September. Hundreds more were expected to attend, but their invitations got lost in the mail.
In October, police started omitting names from their weekly arrest blotter. As a show of thanks, criminals burgled several homes across the territory.
The Ministry of Natural Resources and Labour broke the law by starting work on the Brandywine Bay development without permission. The Planning Authority objected, blindsiding ministry officials who were shocked to learn that there is a Planning Authority.
Healthy food
As part of the Healthy Lifestyles School Intervention Programme, students were encouraged to make nutritious choices, such as using low-fat mayonnaise on the fried food they purchase daily from roadside vendors.
A barge ran aground on a reef near Mosquito Island in October. Sir Richard Branson, who owns the island, apologised profusely to the ship owner and promised to remove the coral immediately.
In November, another barge that sank near Anegada was found to be out of date with its safety inspections. Boat owners across the territory reacted with alarm upon learning that there are safety regulations for VI vessels.
Later that month, the Communications and Works Ministry announced that 30 percent of the territory will be powered by renewable energy by 2023. The same day, the ministry launched a share offering to allow the public to invest in a new bridge from Tortola to Miami.
Here’s hoping that 2016 will be every bit as exciting as 2015. Happy holidays, everyone!
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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