Whatever, my people
I concede defeat. My people, in spite of several weeks of tireless campaigning, I didn’t get a single vote in the 2011 elections.
But that’s okay: I’m not bitter. I won’t point out, for example, that none of the candidates you elected have won second place ribbons in the National Parks Trusts flower-arranging competition, like I have.
Instead, I’d like to thank all of my supporters. I couldn’t have done it without them, especially Mom and the reader who suggested that I “get out of town.”
Thanks are also due to the guys who first urged me to run as we drank beers one Saturday night at a bar. I don’t remember their names, but those guys have vision. And if that vision is a little blurry at times, it’s probably not their fault.
My people, you might be tempted to laugh at my total defeat, but if you’d been at the bar the night of my decision to run, I guarantee you’d think differently. As I detailed my campaign plans on a bar napkin, the whole world seemed fresh and innocent to everyone in the room.
I’d also like to thank my campaign committee, which was composed of a cruise ship tourist I met at Pusser’s and a YouTube video of Bob Dole.
The voters
Finally, I want to thank you, my people. Even though every single one of you forgot about me when you made your X, I won’t forget about you. Ever. Trust me. I dare you to run for office.
Ha, ha! I’m just kidding. I’d vote for each and every one of you if I could, my people.
I also congratulate my opponents, who ran some very impressive campaigns that taught me a thing or two about politics.
For instance, they showed me that running a good campaign is not about winning a popularity contest.
Rather, it is about spending a lot of money on advertisements and plastering your photograph on the side of a truck that plays your theme song at all hours of the night.
Coming to terms
As I’ve worked to come to terms with my failure to get even one vote, I’ve realised that I made a few mistakes in my campaign.
Clearly, my worst blunder was not growing my moustache early enough. I started it only a few days ago. In a couple weeks, it will be positively presidential. But now, it’s pretty seedy. Whenever I look in a mirror, I can’t help but cringe and blame it for my loss.
My second mistake was not coming up with a catchy onomatopoeia. The National Democratic Party had “ka-ching!” and the Virgin Islands Party’s had “bam!” I had nothing, and for that, my people, I’m sorry.
If I had it to do over again, I might choose something like “Kablooie!” or “Ratatatatatatatat!” or “Whoooeee!” or “Vrrrooommmm!”
A consultant
Still, my campaign has not been a total loss. I’ve learned a lot. And so I’ve decided to do what other unsuccessful candidates will do in the coming months: offer my consultancy services to the new government.
Now that I’m a seasoned political aspirant myself, I have several ideas that I’m sure will improve the territory.
For example, during the campaigns, I noticed that several candidates had nicknames. What if they continue the practice now that they’re in office?
In my view, these nicknames should be inspired by superheros. After all, the new representatives may need super powers if they are to successfully govern the territory, considering the current state of affairs.
Think about how much it would improve morale if the Virgin Islands were led by Dr. Orlando “Batman” Smith; Dr. Kedrick “Wolverine” Pickering; Ronnie “Green Lantern” Skelton; and Myron “The Flash” Walwyn. Mark “The Action Man” Vanterpool wouldn’t need to change a thing.
And the opposition might include the likes of Ralph “Hulk” O’Neal and Julian “Magneto” Fraser.
I guarantee that such nicknames would generate more public interest in House of Assembly meetings.
One caveat, though: The representatives should be superheroes of few words — like, say, Batman — thus cutting down on unnecessary rambling.
Next project
If the new government is interested in any more good ideas, members should call me soon. My consultancy services will be available for a limited time only: In the spring, I plan to turn my attention to my campaign for president of the United States.
Considering the wonders of modern technology, I doubt Americans would have any problem with a leader who lives in the VI. And I can assure them that Freeman Rogers is just the man for the job. Vrrroooom!