The House of Assembly voted this week to canonise former Premier Ralph O’Neal immediately, making him the first living saint in the world.
The decision came after legislators realised that no earthly honour could do justice to the long-serving leader, who represented the Ninth District for four decades before retiring this year.
“We could not conceive of any award that seemed even close to adequate,” Premier Dr. Orlando Smith explained. “So we had to look to the heavens.”
The avalanche of praise for Mr. O’Neal started with an ordinary House meeting on July 6, when legislators granted him the title of “member emeritus.”
Before the vote, they spoke for several hours about his greatness.
“The more we heard ourselves, the more we realised that our words were falling short,” Dr. Smith said. “And yet we simply couldn’t stop talking.”
Upon realising that the emeritus status was insufficient, the members decided to reconvene the next day in a special sitting to determine what more could be done to honour Mr. O’Neal.
After that, they praised him continuously without sleeping during a marathon eight-day session that finally concluded yesterday afternoon with the sainthood declaration.
New words
In the sitting, they discussed several ideas as Mr. O’Neal sat in the HOA chamber listening and smiling beatifically.
Education and Culture Minister Myron Walwyn proposed coining new words to describe the retired leader, including “splendiferous,” “fanstasteriffic,” and “amazincredible.”
House members officially resolved that all three of these terms apply to Mr. O’Neal, but they weren’t satisfied.
“Alas, even imaginary adjectives cannot describe the honourable leader’s spectacularrendous qualities,” Mr. Walwyn conceded after a seven-hour speech.
More discussions ensued, and legislators then agreed to grant Mr. O’Neal a new title: The Greatly Esteemed, Splendidly Judicious, Remarkably Revered, Highly Respectable, and Most Venerable Honourable Ralph T. O’Neal, OBE, MBE, ETC.
Still, it wasn’t enough.
“Titles are only titles,” said opposition member Julian Fraser (R-D3). “This man is so much more than a title.”
He then proposed that an enormous silver statue of Mr. O’Neal be erected on top of the Central Administration Building using jewellery donated by all residents.
“We’ll melt it down and build the biggest statue anyone has ever seen,” he said.
Mr. Fraser’s colleagues quickly voted for that measure too, but then they found themselves back at the drawing board.
“I feel a little hollow,” Communications and Works Minister Mark Vanterpool admitted shortly after the vote. “We haven’t done enough.”
It was then that freshman legislator Mitch Turnbull, a preacher, inadvertently proposed canonisation.
“It seems impossible to properly laud someone who is such a saint,’” Mr. Turnbull opined. “Wait a minute: He really is a saint!”
The HOA broke into loud cheers and quickly voted to grant Mr. O’Neal sainthood status immediately.
Canonisation
Though canonisation is typically the domain of the Catholic Church, legislators agreed without debate that they should have the authority to canonise each other whenever they want.
Then they asked the attorney general to fast-track the Immediate Canonisation of Honourable O’Neal Act 2015.
“The AG has promised to get it drafted by the end of the week,” Dr. Smith explained afterwards. “And then we’ll rush it through the HOA on Monday and we’ll have a saint in our midst.”
During their discussions, leaders noted many reasons why Mr. O’Neal deserves sainthood, including miracles he performed during his time in office.
The most incredible, they said, was getting re-elected after a 1994 court judgment against him outlined evidence that he had misappropriated Crown land, held an illegal contract, and committed elections fraud.
“How do you get back in office after that bombshell?” asked Dr. Smith. “It seems unbelievable, but it’s true.”
Also miraculous was the sudden change of heart that Mr. O’Neal somehow inspired in all 11 members of the National Democratic Party government, who have harshly criticised him as recently as two months ago.
Each of them has now forgotten all previous misgivings so completely that they were able to praise him without reservation in recent days.
Other miracles occurred routinely during Mr. O’Neal’s tenure in office, including his uncanny ability to arise from an apparent slumber with complete knowledge of all that had been transpiring around him.
Perks
Mr. O’Neal’s sainthood will come with various perks, which will be decided by the HOA’s Committee on Privileges.
“We can say for certain that he will receive a golden chariot,” Dr. Smith said. “Other perks have yet to be determined, but rest assured that they will be extensive.”
Mr. O’Neal is widely expected to receive a throne in the House, along with a jewelled halo to showcase his new status.
The HOA will also hold regular sittings to devise other ways in which to honour the long-serving leader, including working with VI historians to strike from the record any information that doesn’t portray him in a glowing light.
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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