In an unprecedented victory that has amazed the free world, the esteemed columnist-politician Freeman Rogers won all 13 seats in the Virgin Islands House of Assembly on Monday.
Celebrations broke out around the territory early on election night as it quickly became clear that every single voter had cast a ballot for Mr. Rogers, the only candidate who promised free beer for all.
But even in the midst of the jubilation, the respected leader has had to refute outrageous and defamatory claims that his “victory” is nothing but a fake news article he wrote in a misguided attempt to take power of the tiny overseas territory.
“Don’t listen to the lies perpetuated by the lamestream media,” Mr. Rogers said of opponents who have pointed out that he often writes satirical fake news in his Dateline: Paradise column. “The only reliable news source in the territory is me and my weekly column.”
Even in the face of the libellous accusations, the honourable Mr. Rogers has remained characteristically magnanimous: He hastened to assure the public that he will keep his campaign promise not to become a dictator.
“Just because I have absolute power doesn’t make me any different from any of my subjects,” he said, adjusting the jewelled Crown that he imported on Tuesday morning. “Neither does the golden throne that I’m having installed in the Premier’s Office.”
When a reporter noted that Mr. Rogers is ineligible to hold office because he is an expatriate without belonger status, the new leader chuckled.
“I am the law now, young lady,” he explained patiently. “Whatever I say goes.”
When the reporter tried to ask another question, he ordered that she be imprisoned in the Cutlass Tower.
Jubilation
Meanwhile, jubilant residents are already reaping the benefits of Mr. Rogers’ rule: As his first official act, he ordered all restaurants, bars and grocery stores to provide beer at no charge.
Residents quickly took advantage of the generous offer, eventually breaking out into a massive party that has shown no sign of abating.
Regrettably, the public-spirited Mr. Rogers hasn’t had time to join them: He undertook his first official trip yesterday morning.
“My first duty to the taxpayers is a trip around the globe,” Mr. Rogers explained during a press conference held at the airport shortly before his departure. “By touring the world’s most expensive resorts, eating the finest food, and drinking the tastiest beer, I will learn valuable information that will help me lead this territory to prosperity.”
He promised not to return to the Virgin Islands until he is an “expert on the good life.”
Though he isn’t sure how long this will take, he said he’s confident that the territory will be just fine until he gets back.
“Everyone’s having a great time,” he said, gesturing at a crowd of partiers. “Look at them!”
Public projects
Asked by a reporter about public projects such as the cruise ship pier, roadwork, and the proposed airport, Mr. Rogers laughed loudly.
“You sound like you need a beer,” he said, and tossed a Red Stripe to the journalist, who promptly cracked it open and forgot about infrastructure.
Asked by another reporter about the cost of his taxpayer-funded trip, Mr. Rogers ordered him to be imprisoned in the Cutlass Tower as well.
Then he generously answered the question anyway, promising that his globetrotting wouldn’t cost taxpayers any more than the government’s $5 million greenhouses.
“And, unlike the greenhouses, there will actually be a benefit,” he said. “Besides the knowledge that I’ll gain about the good life, I’ll come back loaded with some of the finest beers in the world!”
Then Mr. Rogers lit a fat Cuban cigar, waved, and climbed aboard the private jet that he required the government to purchase for him.
After he flew away, the crowd who had gathered to see him off cheered continuously until the sun went down.
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
{fcomment}