Once again, I’m continuing my selfless tradition of making New Year’s resolutions for other people. There is no need to thank me: I’m only doing my civic duty.
Since this is an election year, I made several resolutions for politicians, who are doubtlessly too busy to make their own.
Most importantly, they resolve to end the practice of holding separate campaign launches.
In recent years, these launches have gotten completely out of hand. Each political party typically holds one in each district, and they last late into the night.
This year there are at least four parties, not to mention independents. Nobody has the time to attend so many launches — least of all us busy journalists, who are expected to report on all of them.
So instead of holding multiple launches, candidates resolve to work together to hold a single, multi-party launch for all the districts.
In order to ensure that all candidates have time to talk, they also resolve to edit out of their speeches any content that lacks substance. Accordingly, each speech should take about 15 seconds.
This format will save millions of dollars, part of which will be spent on entertainment, beer and jerk chicken for all attendees.
The rest of the money will be used for projects that further the public good.
More for candidates
Besides the multi-party launch, I made a few other resolutions for all candidates as well:
• To post idyllic images of tropical scenery instead of their own faces on campaign posters around the territory.
• To propose three constructive solutions for every malicious insult they hurl at an opponent.
• Never, ever to use the annoying trucks that drive around the territory blaring political messages at all hours of the day and night.
• And, finally, to let me write their campaign jingles — a service I of course will provide free of charge.
Legislators
For leaders already in office, who are especially busy, I made a few additional resolutions.
For every dollar their ministries waste on poorly conceived petty contracts, for example, they resolve to take a corresponding pay cut.
This commitment is particularly laudable, because they also resolve to work for $4 an hour until the minimum wage has been increased following a long-promised review.
During power outages, leaders pledge to open their houses and let the public make use of their generators and Wi-Fi connections.
And, until they have instituted policies that make Road Town a walk-able community, they resolve to get around on foot each day, dodging cars like the rest of us.
Similarly, they will take the ferry to St. Thomas and back daily until the ferry system is regulated properly.
And until National Health Insurance takes effect, legislators who are doctors resolve to provide free medical care to anyone who wants it.
Private sector
I also made resolutions for the private sector.
Cell phone companies, for example, resolve to stop sending out annoying text messages at all hours of the day and night.
Business owners resolve to pay their employees what they owe — on time.
Truck drivers resolve to slow down and stop using their air brakes in residential areas.
Owners of certain online media outlets resolve never to post anonymous comments on their own site in order to stir up hatred and division in the community. Not that anyone would ever actually do such a twisted thing.
For the public
Lest anyone feel left out, I also made a few resolutions for the general public:
• Take no more than one “selfie” each month.
• Don’t drive around with trash on top of your car.
• Stop saying, “I know, right?”
• Don’t park in the private driveway under my balcony.
• Forego “Grumpy Cat” memes and go easy on #hashtags.
• Neither read nor create “top ten” lists.
• Return journalists’ phone calls and buy them a beer whenever possible.
Okay, folks, by making all these resolutions I’ve done the hard part. The easy part — keeping them — is up to everyone else.
Happy New Year!
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