Virgin Islands babies born in 2014 or later can expect to spend their golden years in style.
This is because the new senior home in Spooners Estate is “virtually guaranteed” to be completed by the time they’re old enough to use it, government officials said this week during a pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-opening ceremony at the muddy construction site.
“We’re pleased to announce that the senior home’s doors are expected to open by 2094, if not before,” said a consultant hired to speed up the project. “This means that by the time this year’s babies turn 80, it will be ready.”
In calculating the timeline, the consultant took into account the high likelihood that the home will continue to be relocated every time a new political party comes into power.
“It’s not exactly a top priority for any government,” he explained. “So other initiatives will quite naturally push forward its completion date again and again.”
Years ago, officials proposed a new facility in Greenland to replace the dilapidated Adina Donovan Home for the Elderly. But the 2003-2007 National Democratic Party administration decided Spooners Estate would be a better location.
The subsequent Virgin Islands Party government scrapped that plan in favour of a home in Johnsons Ghut — only to see the NDP return to power in 2011.
Preparatory work at the Spooners site started shortly thereafter, but then stalled due to financial setbacks.
Morale
Such delays are likely to continue, but the consultant said that Tuesday’s announcement should greatly increase morale.
“Before, it was really difficult for employees and contractors to be motivated by a project whose completion wasn’t foreseeable,” he explained. “But now they’ll understand that they’re doing it for their children.”
Though a handful of sarcastic employees suggested that the government help their children by building schools instead, they were promptly fired.
“The remaining workers are very enthusiastic,” the consultant added. “We expect major work to crank up just as soon as government completes the new hospital. And the cruise ship pier. And the new airport. And the mould remediation project. And — ”
At that point in the ceremony, the consultant was interrupted by Health and Social Development Minister Ronnie Skelton, who took the microphone to lead attendees in a rousing rendition of the territorial song.
Promotions
Later, the consultant sought to allay criticism that Spooners Estate is too far away from Road Town for a senior home.
“We’re confident that it will be very popular with the elderly,” he said. “But just to make sure, we’ve launched promotion efforts.”
To that end, the ministry has begun presenting each baby born at Peebles Hospital with a packet of information about the facility.
“This will enable them to start their retirement planning early,” he said.
The kit includes a brochure, a map and a list of services that will be offered. It also recommends an advance-payment plan.
“If someone born in 2014 pays in just $500 each year, they’ll be guaranteed the right of first refusal on a special premium suite when they turn 80,” the consultant explained. “In the meantime, the money collected will go toward construction costs.”
‘Comfortable future’
Several parents said they’re thrilled about the opportunity for their infants.
“It’s great to know that my son will have a comfortable future,” said a new mother. “I’ve been really concerned about what will happen to him in his retirement. Now I can have peace of mind.”
Other young people are hoping to see the project completed even earlier than 2094.
“I’ve got my fingers crossed,” said a 9-year-old Road Town resident. “Ever since I graduated from Class Two, I’ve been worrying about where I’ll spend my golden years. If the home is completed a few years early, my worries are over.”
Asked about the child’s hopes, the consultant declined to make any promises, but he conceded with a twinkle in his eye that he “wouldn’t be at all surprised if the young man enjoys a very bright old age in beautiful Spooners Estate.”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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