In an unexpected turn of events that set the Twittersphere abuzz with frenzied speculation, Sir Richard Branson ate Cheerios for breakfast yesterday morning.
The businessman broke the astonishing news in an understated post on his popular blog.
“Ahh, paradise,” he wrote under a photograph of a tropical landscape. “I love eating Cheerios and watching the sun come up over my beautiful Necker Island Resort.”
Within minutes of the posting, the news made headlines around the world.
Though Sir Richard often posts about his adventures at the lavish resort he calls home, the Cheerios disclosure was a first.
In fact, the public has learned nothing about Sir Richard’s breakfast habits since a hard-hitting investigative report by Business Insider, which recounted his habit of eating fruit salad and muesli most mornings, with kippers thrown into the mix on occasion.
Commentators were therefore eager to speculate on what the new development might mean for Sir Richard, his Virgin Group conglomeration, and the world.
‘Billionaire breakfast’
The United Kingdom-based tabloid Daily Mail, which has a team of 40 reporters assigned to monitor Sir Richard’s blog around the clock, led the charge with a piece titled, “Billionaire breakfast — is Branson broke?”
“Cheerios are among the least costly breakfast cereals on the market,” the newspaper offered. “And this is a man who should be able to afford to eat gold-plated Cocoa Pebbles three times a day. Something doesn’t add up.”
The article suggested that the Virgin Group could be in financial peril, and that the Cheerios were part of a larger programme of cutbacks.
Other media outlets begged to differ.
The Wall Street Journal suggested that the media-savvy mogul, who often serves as an unofficial mascot for his Virgin brands, could be considering expanding in United States markets.
“Cheerios is the most all-American cereal,” the newspaper noted. “Perhaps Mr. Branson is looking to broaden his appeal in our continent. This could augur something big.”
Forbes magazine took this thinking a step further, predicting that the Virgin Group would soon purchase General Mills, the company that owns Cheerios, as part of a major diversification effort.
Tax questions
Other news outlets were less circumspect.
The UK Guardian, for example, took a sharper tone, asking whether Sir Richard was getting tax benefits by indulging in Cheerios.
“As we have reported in the past, he is now domiciled in the British Virgin Islands, which enables him to minimise his UK tax bill,” the Guardian noted in a scathing editorial. “Is this new breakfast another tax scheme perpetrated by the super-wealthy at the expense of the taxpayer? Will the muesli industry crumble around us while Sir Richard munches Cheerios in paradise?”
Parenting magazine followed with an unrelated piece titled, “Is Branson Expecting?”
Citing anecdotal evidence that pregnant women often crave Cheerios, the magazine opined, “Sir Richard has logged so many adventures, we see no reason that he couldn’t have devised a way to be the first man to experience childbirth.”
A tiny newspaper in the Virgin Islands added its voice to the chorus, publishing a piece titled, “Who gives a crap about Branson’s breakfast?” but it was widely ignored.
Stocks react
Whatever may have caused Sir Richard’s breakfast about-face, the ripple effects rattled stock markets around the world.
The price of shares in General Mills nearly doubled yesterday, and its competitors’ shares nosedived.
In a related development that is expected to have a major impact on the developing world, the price of oats and corn — grains used to make Cheerios — also spiked.
Meanwhile, the cereal has all but disappeared from grocery store shelves, leading General Mills to announce plans to quintuple production overnight.
As of press time yesterday, boxes of Cheerios were selling for as much as $10,000 on e-Bay.
For his part, Sir Richard has kept silent since his blog post, and efforts to reach him were unsuccessful.
It remains unclear what he ate for breakfast today.
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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