There was big news on Sunday at the horse track.
I’m referring, of course, to the private conversation between Premier Dr. Orlando Smith and Virgin Islands Party Chairman Julian Fraser.
Online news outlets published several photos of the leaders and speculated on what they were talking about. But no one seemed to know for sure.
So I decided to jump on the bandwagon.
Mr. Fraser: Psst. Hey. Psst. Honourable Premier!
Dr. Smith: Huh? What?
F: Psst. Over here!
S: Oh, hi, Honourable Representative for the Third. Why are you hiding behind that horse?
F: Shh. Because I’ve got an idea. Listen, do you want to play a little practical joke?
S: Heh, heh. You always were a joker. I’m still laughing from the time you stood up in the House of Assembly and advocated for transparency. That was a hoot! What’s up your sleeve today?
F: Don’t look now, but a bunch of reporters are standing over there by the track.
S: Where? Over there?
F: I said don’t look! You always do that.
S. Do I really?
F: Every. Single. Time.
S: Sorry. I’ll work on that.
F: Never mind. Okay, here it is: Let’s start talking and pretend we’re having a big laugh. Before long, all those reporters will turn around and start snapping photos, because we’re supposed to be mortal enemies.
S: I get it! They’ll want to know what we’re talking about and —
In unison: — we won’t tell them!
S: Hahahaha! That is hilarious! I knew there was a reason they elected you to lead the Virgin Islands Party.
F: I know, right?
S: High five! Wait. This isn’t a trap, is it? You’re not secretly planning to talk to me quietly and then tell reporters that I used profanity?
F: Who? Me? How can you say that? I’m trying to be the next premier.
S: Pinky swear?
F: Pinky swear.
(They shake pinkies).
F: Okay, let’s do this. Come over here in the open, and we’ll pretend to have a friendly chat.
S: Here goes. Chat, chat, chat, chat.
F: Don’t look now, but it’s working! The guy from Platinum just glanced over!
S: Did he? Where?
F: I said don’t look! You always do that.
S: Oh. Right.
F: Hahahaha! Now the others are starting to look too. I haven’t laughed this hard since you stood up with a straight face and defended your government’s handling of the cruise pier project.
S: That was a good one.
F: Whoops, here we go! One of the reporters is aiming his camera. Yes, yes, yes: She’s taking our picture. Don’t ruin it. Just smile and look natural.
S: I’m grinning as hard as I can: Does this look natural?
F: No way. That’s too much. Tone it down a little.
S: How’s this?
F: Perfect. How about my expression?
S: Just right.
F: Now the others are starting to take photos. Check this out: I’m going to try to appear thoughtful, as though I’m pondering some important idea you’ve just told me. How’s this?
S: Einstein-esque!
F: There are literally about 20 photographers taking our picture right now. What do think the headlines will say?
S: “Leaders reach secret deal!”
F: “Conspiracy afoot!”
S: “VIP, NDP to combine and create super-party!”
F: “Leaders patch up differences!”
S: Hey, maybe VINO will do a cartoon portraying us both as rodents.
F: Or maybe that guy at the Beacon will do a column imagining the conversation that we’re having right now.
S: That guy’s so funny.
F: Oh no! Honourable Premier. Oh no. This is not good.
S: What?
F: Look at what you’re wearing.
S: Uh, blue jeans and a blue, button-down shirt. So what?
F: Now look at what I’m wearing.
S: Blue jeans and a blue, button-down — Oh. My. Gosh. We match.
F: I can’t believe this is happening to me. This is so embarrassing. Be honest: Did you plan this?
S: Of course not. How do you think I feel? I’m just as mortified as you. And the reporters are still taking our picture.
F: “Leaders coordinate outfits in advance.”
S: “Leaders celebrate Twin Day.”
F: “Leaders virtually indistinguishable.”
S: “Copy cat leaders?”
F: This could destroy both of our campaigns.
S: Well, it was your bright idea. How do you propose we get out of it gracefully?
F: On the count of three, we’ll just walk away like nothing ever happened. Then we’ll deny everything.
S: Deal. One, two, three.
(Leaders walk casually in opposite directions as reporters continue to snap photos.)