Editor’s note: This column first appeared on May 13, 2010, but since then not much has changed in economy class.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. We thank you for flying United American Airways, because we know you have a choice.
On the other hand, maybe you don’t have a choice.
Flights are few and far between these days, aren’t they?
Come to think of it, if you had a choice, you probably wouldn’t be sitting here at all. Sucker!
I’m just kidding. By the way, you’ve probably noticed that this is a recorded message. This is because there are no flight attendants on UAA flights anymore. The new system is all part of our plan to promote self-reliance.
Okay, budget cuts might have something to do with it, too. But the real reason is, like, 99 percent self-reliance. Now, instead of following instructions like mindless automatons, UAA passengers will be permitted to take care of themselves.
So let’s get started. Please make sure your tray tables are closed and your seats are in the upright position. There’s a very small chance that we could take off at any minute: UAA is currently doing all it can to find a qualified pilot at a reasonable price.
In the meantime, please follow along as we go over some very important safety information.
Seatbelt
To the right of your seat, you will find a seatbelt. For first class passengers, this useful device has been provided free of charge.
If you’re flying in economy class you’ll need to insert $10 into the slot in your armrest in order to unlock your seatbelt. Using a seatbelt is highly recommended, especially during take-off and landing. As a matter of fact, it is required by federal aviation rules. And if any federal aviation authorities are on board, you could get fined for not using your seatbelt.
By the way, UAA hereby absolves itself of all legal responsibility for any decisions you make regarding your seatbelt.
There are four emergency exits on this plane, located in the front and rear sections. I have great news for anyone sitting in the exit rows: In the event of an emergency, you will be responsible for opening the exit nearest you, and, if you do a good job, you won’t be charged for using it yourself!
Everyone else, of course, will have to pay a modest usage fee if they use the emergency exit. However, there’s no need for any passenger to worry about logistics: UAA will deduct the fee from the credit card you used to purchase your ticket — even if you don’t survive the accident!
Floating luggage
In the event of an emergency landing in water, we recommend grabbing a piece of luggage that looks like it might float. As part of UAA’s efforts to promote self-reliance, the airline no longer provides flotation devices under its seats.
Similarly, no masks will automatically fall down in front of your face if the cabin loses air pressure. So if this situation occurs, we recommend taking a really, really deep breath — and fast.
See how fun self-reliance is!
UAA also offers plenty of amenities during its flights.
For example, blankets are available for $20. And the air vent and reading light above your head can be activated for a five-minute period by inserting a quarter in the adjacent slots. Inserting a whole dollar gets you an extra five minutes as a bonus!
Bathroom service is also available, with the highest bidders getting first preference.
Today’s in-flight entertainment will consist of exciting advertisements from a variety of interesting businesses, including Nike, Ralph Lauren, and Norelco, which sponsored this message.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, please sit back and enjoy your flight.
By the way, anyone who holds a valid pilot’s licence and could use a few extra bucks is encouraged to report to the cockpit immediately.
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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