2016: Cleveland’s year

While not a huge baseball fan, a Beaconite was thrilled last week when his hometown team, the Cleveland Indians, made the World Series.

This latest remarkable achievement adds to a long list of wins for Cleveland this year that started in May, when Cleveland native and mixed martial artist Stipe Miocic knocked out Fabricio Werdum to become UFC Heavyweight Champion of the world. The next month, Cleveland’s American Hockey League team, the Lake Erie Monsters, built on Mr. Miocic’s success by winning the AHL’s Calder Cup finals. Not to be outdone, the Cleveland Cavaliers pulled off the greatest upset in National Basketball Association history later in June by beating the heavily favoured Golden State Warriors to win the NBA title. Then, in July, Cleveland hosted a successful Republican National Convention, defying the predictions of many that racial tensions surrounding Donald J. Trump’s presidential campaign would boil over and cause violence in that city. On top of all that, Cleveland also hosted its first ever UFC event in September, and Mr. Miocic successfully defended his title there by knocking out Alistair Overeem. Now, if only the Cleveland Browns could have the success of their counterparts. Unfortunately, the terrible, terrible Brownies have yet to win a game this year, making them the only NFL team that hasn’t won a single game in 2016. The Beaconite is resigned to the fact that even in The Year of Cleveland, his hometown can’t win them all – or in the Browns’ case, even one.

Drunk driving

A Beaconite who needed a ride this weekend was grateful to be picked up by a stranger. However, the ride quickly took a turn for the worst. The driver turned out to be rather intoxicated, and began swerving and driving on the wrong side of the road. While clinging to her seat belt and experiencing a minor heart attack, the Beaconite convinced the driver to stop and then quickly exited the vehicle. She hopes the driver will be more careful in the future, and take a taxi next time instead of testing her luck. It sucks to pay $20 to travel for 15 miles, but it beats flying off a hill.

Costume ideas

A Beaconite is still not sure what he plans to dress up as for Halloween. A general procrastinator when it comes to deciding costumes, this Beaconite is at least relieved that 2016 offered a bounty of easily put-together, topical options for potential outfits. At the top of the list, surely to be overdone, is either of the two American presidential candidates. Hillary Clinton is easy – all you need is an eerily white pantsuit and a Blackberry phone. Extra points if you tape a cord from the Blackberry that runs to a cardboard box with the words “Please don’t hack me” scribbled on the front. Donald Trump is a bit harder – this Beaconite suggests a 20-minute bath in Cheeto dust, as well as some combination of tree sap and super glue for the hair. Extra points if you creepily stand behind the young women at your Halloween party all night. Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson is more simple: All you need to do is put on a nice suit, lace up some Nike sneakers, and smoke enough marijuana to forget about anything but your knowledge of New Mexico’s economic policies. Sticking to the election theme, viral sensation Ken Bone is another easy one: You just need a red crochet sweater, rimmed glasses and an impeccable moustache. Extra points if you only stay at your party for 15 minutes, get a bit weird, and leave. Moving away from politics, another costume option bound to be popular is the Galaxy Note 7. A bit trickier, this outfit involves about a dozen Note 7 boxes hot-glued to a t-shirt, with plastic tubing running through each that smoke can be blown through. Just don’t attempt to fly with this one, as the smartphone was recently banned by the US Department of Transportation and BVI Post. For those looking to do group costumes, American Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte and his imaginary armed robbers would be appropriate, as would any group of Pokémon characters – as long as you have one person dressed normally and running into street with his smartphone out like an idiot. If you plan on partying with a large group of friends that is starting to show a bit of friction, the European Union could serve a great group outfit – as long as one of your friends feels a bit cooler than the rest and leaves early. While all of these options are great, this Beaconite will realistically end up letting lethargy get the best of him, and throw together something simple a few hours before, like a toga or Jedi costume. Or Theresa May.

{fcomment}