A Field Guide to Online Commenters
Online forums are a mixed blessing in the Virgin Islands.
On the one hand, they give well-meaning residents the opportunity to speak out without fear of reprisals.
On the other hand, they allow unscrupulous commenters to act like sociopaths under cover of anonymity.
Unless you read online comments all day long, it’s difficult to keep up. That’s why I’ve carried out hours of intensive research and compiled the first official Field Guide to the Online Commenters of the Virgin Islands.
The Good Citizen
Perhaps the rarest of all is The Good Citizen. She logs on under her real name with the best intentions, thinking that she will contribute to an intelligent dialogue in hopes of bettering the community.
In carefully considered prose, she writes out a thoughtful opinion on a pressing matter. Characteristics of her posts include complete sentences, supporting arguments, and good grammar.
“I believe that increased transparency would help this democracy greatly,” she might write, before giving several examples supporting her claim.
Within minutes of her posting, The Good Citizen is ridiculed, threatened, and called a “@$%@#$%^,” or worse, by users who clearly haven’t read her comment.
The culprit is the ubiquitous Negator, who uses his online anonymity to attack all other comments without offering constructive solutions.
Characteristics of his posts include faulty logic and excessive punctuation.
“Government sucks, so transparency is stupid!!!” he might respond to The Good Citizen, adding, “Accountability?????? Please!!!!”
Oftentimes, The Negator works in tandem with The Passive-Aggressive, who pretends to be reasonable but sneaks in petty jabs whenever possible.
“I thought the comment on transparency could have been interesting, but it was so long-winded and wordy I didn’t have time to read it,” The Passive-Aggressive might write.
Split Personality
Other commenters are more difficult to identify.
The Split Personality, for example, has many names but only one real identity, which he never discloses. He logs on repeatedly, and may post in more than a dozen forums in a single day.
The only way to recognise his comments is through careful study of the quirks that make his writing style unique. His motivation is difficult to pin down, and his actions may be attributable to mental illness.
Like The Split Personality, The Libeller never reveals her own identity, but she has no qualms with calling other people’s real names. “Arnie G. Schumbult is a big fat idiot,” she might write. “Plus, he kicks kittens.”
This commenter is among the most cowardly, and she opens forum managers up to lawsuits.
Similar to The Libeller, but sneakier, is The Gossip. Instead of explicitly naming his victims, he identifies them in a roundabout way while pretending to take the moral high ground.
“I’m not pointing fingers at the bearded redhead who works at the Happy Branch Bakery, lives at 10 Jones Road, and drives a blue Subaru jeep (QL29857), but SOME people on this island are big fat idiots,” he might write.
Whining
Also common is The Whiny Expat, who lives to complain about the VI. Her comments include frequent comparisons to her home country, which always sounds implausibly wonderful.
“Somebody blocked in my car for TWO MINUTES this morning!” she might write. “Back home, we don’t even use cars: We’re carried wherever we need to go on the backs of the Heavenly Host. Why can’t they do that in the VI?”
Unfortunately, this commenter provides fodder for The Xenophobe, who is her natural antagonist.
“Go home then!” he might respond to her whining.
This response perhaps would be appropriate if he stopped there. But he never does: He continues to rail against all foreigners, blaming them for various problems in the territory.
“These islands are sinking under the weight of all you expats!” he might write. “No wonder the sea level is rising. Also, expats gave me three cavities in the past year.”
And of course any online comment thread is interspersed with sporadic comments from The Moron. No one has any idea what she’s trying to say, because her grammar and spelling are atrocious and her posts are riddled with typos.
“Who thank the xxs. thre??” she might write. “Gunwrap trecakes, HOA the slipdwn.”
Similarly opaque are comments from The Emoter, who communicates solely through overly complex emoticons, and The Abbreviator, who posts only acronyms like “ROFL.”
Politics
Comment forums really get ugly when politics come into play.
The Henchman can be hard to spot at first, simply because he doesn’t want to be spotted. But if you read his comments closely you eventually realise that all of them are subtle propaganda for a political party.
In his efforts to appear to be just a regular guy, the Henchman might use camouflage, logging on as “NDP Supporter” and then making comments that actually favour the Virgin Islands Party, or vice versa.
Because of such strategies, he can be confused with The Imposter, who posts under the name of a politician or other public figure.
The Professional
Finally, there’s The Professional, the most insidious commenter of all. In an attempt to game the system, he uses multiple pseudonyms to post repeatedly on his own website.
In this manner, he attempts to manipulate the public dialogue to suit his personal agenda, which is usually political.
Though most intelligent users are quick to catch on, this doesn’t stop him: He knows that his mean-spirited comments stir up controversy and drive traffic to his website.
During the course of his elaborate role-playing, The Professional might wear any number of hats: Imposter, Henchman, Libeller, Whiny Expat or Xenophobe, to name a few.
However, he is almost never confused with The Good Citizen.
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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