After a string of mysterious occurrences in the Central Administration Building, a team of paranormal researchers has been hired to determine whether the government is haunted.
The latest unexplained incident involved the apparent disappearance of a report on the stamp duty commission of inquiry.
Last year, Premier Ralph O’Neal said he had received the report from then-Governor David Pearey, minus two appendices. But this month, he told the House of Assembly that he didn’t have it.
“There is only one likely explanation for this sort of unexplained phenomenon: the paranormal,” said Ernest Baxter, who is heading the team of consultants that arrived in the territory last week.
Mr. Baxter was speaking at a Tuesday press conference, which was held on Norman Island in order to confuse any evil spirits that might be listening in.
After a preliminary assessment, Mr. Baxter believes poltergeists may be responsible for the disappearance of the stamp duty report.
“These supernatural beings are known to move physical objects around,” Mr. Baxter explained. “And very often, they seem to have a keen sense of humour.”
Missing letter
During the press conference, the premier said he first realised that “something wasn’t right” when a letter from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office went missing last year.
Premier’s Office officials said they sent the letter to Mr. O’Neal through the proper channels. But the premier insisted that he never received it.
After Mr. O’Neal called for an inquiry into the matter, Complaints Commissioner Elton Georges was charged with investigating the mystery. But Mr. Georges’ results were inconclusive.
“I knew right then and there that something was wrong,” Mr. O’Neal said. “At first I suspected the National Democratic Party. Then I suspected journalists, or others who want to sabotage my good name. Finally, I realised the paranormal was the most likely explanation.”
When word got out, other officials pointed out that government documents have been disappearing for decades.
A report by the Payroll Tax Committee, for example, was supposed to be submitted to Cabinet in early 2009, but Mr. O’Neal told the House of Assembly this month that he doesn’t have that, either.
Several consultants’ reports also seem to have disappeared, on topics ranging from drag racing to medical schools.
Various laws, too, seem to have met a similar fate: Draft legislation on freedom of information, the environment and other issues has been presented to Cabinet, never to be seen again.
“Besides poltergeists, there’s a very real possibility that a black-hole-like disturbance known as a supernatural vortex has formed near the premier’s desk,” Mr. Baxter said. “In fact, I suspect that all government ministers’ desks might be similarly affected.’”
Like many government consultants hired recently, Mr. Baxter has no previous experience in the area he was hired to study. However, he hasn’t let that stand in his way.
Since obtaining the government contract, he said, he has spent “countless hours” watching the Poltergeist movies.
“Many people think there’s only one Poltergeist,” Mr. Baxter said. “But it’s actually a trilogy. I’ve watched all three of them. Well, at least two and a half: There are a few parts in the original that are really, really scary. I didn’t think it was necessary to watch those bits.”
Mr. Baxter also has augmented his knowledge base by reading extensively about paranormal phenomena on the Internet.
“I found Wikipedia to be particularly useful,” he said. “There’s a whole page dedicated to different types of haunted houses.”
Once they can confirm the exact cause of government’s problems, Mr. Baxter and his team plan to watch at least two of the movies in the Ghostbusters series.
“No matter what’s haunting the BVI, I’m confident that the Ghostbusters will have a solution,” he said. “But it’s important to act now, while the problem is still relatively minor. The next thing you know, you’ll wake up to find a giant marshmallow man attacking the Central Administration Building.”
He was quick to caution, however, that there’s still a small chance that the government’s recent problems could be caused extraterrestrial beings, not ghosts.
“My contract doesn’t cover that,” he said. “If we learn that space aliens have been abducting government documents, we’ll have to negotiate a new agreement.”