The backbench mysteriously disappeared from the House of Assembly this week, leaving junior members of government to sit on the floor for the foreseeable future.
The incident has not been explained, but government ministers expressed confidence that it had absolutely nothing to do with four backbenchers’ recent criticism of the proposed airport expansion project.
Asked about a possible connection at a press conference this week, Premier Dr. Orlando Smith stifled a giggle.
“Backbenchers criticised the airport project?” he asked. “I hadn’t noticed, but I can assure you that the disappearance of their seats and desks is entirely unrelated to anything like that.”
The premier added that an investigation by the Attorney General’s Chambers will get to the bottom of the matter with the agency’s usual astonishing haste.
“In the meantime,” he said, “if a few backbenchers happen to learn a valuable lesson about making personal sacrifices for the greater good, who am I to complain?”
Suspicious
Backbenchers said the disappearance of their seats and desks was only one of a series of misfortunes they suffered in recent days.
“For me, it started shortly after I suggested delaying the airport project,” said Delores Christopher (R-D5). “When I reached for my water bottle, it was empty.”
Shortly thereafter, her colleague Mitch Turnbull realised that his microphone wasn’t picking up his voice.
“Every time I thought I was talking publicly, I was just talking to myself,” he said. “Then I realised that the cord had been cut.”
Since word got out this week that the entire backbench was missing, speculation has run rampant.
Some suspect a prank by unruly high schoolers. Others think that the backbench was removed by the ghosts of former legislators unhappy with recent HOA proceedings.
Still others hold that extraterrestrial legislators were involved.
“Maybe they were flying by and needed a backbench for their own space-age legislature,” speculated one resident. “Who knows?”
Improvising
Left without seats for today’s HOA meeting, junior legislators have been debating the best way to improvise.
At least one suggested bringing folding chairs from home, but the government’s senior leadership nixed the idea.
“Mismatched seats could tarnish the dignity of the proceedings,” Deputy Premier Dr. Kedrick Pickering explained during the press conference with Dr. Smith. “So obviously we couldn’t allow that [expletive] idea.”
A junior minister attempted to bring in a bench from outside the HOA chambers, but that plan fell through after he realised that it was bolted down.
Dr. Pickering suggested that members sit on the outside benches anyway, but backbenchers felt that it’s important that they actually hear the proceedings.
“In the end, we decided it is probably best for them to sit on the floor for now,” Dr. Smith explained. “We’re sure that they won’t mind making a sacrifice, as all legislators are sometimes required to do in the course of governing — as when, for example, the government is trying to push through a very important project and junior members keep their mouths shut and vote for it even though it doesn’t suit them. If you see what I mean.”
Giggling?
Dr. Smith then covered his mouth with his hand and appeared to stifle a giggle. Asked by a reporter if he was giggling about the backbench disappearance, the premier quickly denied it.
Dr. Pickering added angrily, “How dare you insinuate that the premier finds this funny? Also, maybe the backbench is in District Six.”
At that, both leaders doubled over laughing and slapped each other a high five before growing serious again.
“Honestly, folks,” the premier said with a straight face, “We’re making every effort to locate the backbench so that the junior dissemblers have somewhere comfortable to sit during HOA meetings.”
Asked by a reporter what he meant by “the junior dissemblers,” the premier responded, “I didn’t say that. I said ‘the junior members.’ Don’t misquote me.”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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