My people, this column isn’t about politics. I promise.
Yes, I know: Many political hopefuls have been coming out of the woodwork lately. Even though the next election is still about two years away, they’re already mudslinging and grandstanding under the guise of disinterested public dialogue.
But not me, my people!
I fully understand that you’re not yet ready for talk of white envelopes and refrigerators.
Like me, you just want a couple more years of peace and quiet under a government that gets things done without wasting your money.
Therefore, while other candidates begin to brag about their so-called qualifications in the coming months, I will not follow suit.
Instead, I will strictly avoid trumpeting my own extensive political accomplishments, even though they include the astounding feat of being the only non-belonger in history to campaign for three consecutive elections in spite of my ineligibility to hold office.
That’s an amazing story, right? But you won’t hear me tell it.
Service
Nor will you hear me bragging about my service to the community, unlike other political hopefuls who have recently joined non-profit organisations and launched various high-profile projects.
Because I do community service all the time, I don’t see the need to brag about it.
Here’s an example: The other day, I noticed a plastic bottle on the side of the road. I shook my head and sighed.
“Some careless driver must have tossed it out of a car window,” I said to myself. “What a shame.”
I had somewhere to be, but I found that I simply could not walk away from that bottle.
“What if a tourist sees it?” I wondered. “Is this how we want to be represented?”
So I reached down and picked it up. Only then did I realise that it was very dirty.
But even though it made my fingers sticky, I didn’t give up. My people, I wasn’t raised to quit in the middle of a task.
“Always finish what you start,” my mother always says. “Winners never quit, and quitters never win.”
So I persevered in spite of my discomfort, carrying the bottle to the nearest trashcan.
Not for the glory
But I didn’t do this for the glory, or to convince you to vote for me in the coming election.
For me, in fact, the gesture had nothing to do with politics. I picked up that bottle solely because of my love of these beautiful Virgin Islands and because of my love for you, my beautiful voters.
Seeing the clean street was reward enough, and after washing my hands with lots of soap (from my own personal supply), I went about my business without another word.
Of course, other political hopefuls would have handled this situation very differently. As soon as they saw the bottle, they would have called the media to photograph them picking it up, and afterwards they would have appeared on thinly veiled political talk shows to brag.
But I could never do such a thing. Can you imagine what would happen if I tried to misuse this Dateline: Paradise column to try to launch my own campaign early? You would never trust me again!
No insults
Meanwhile, I will also avoid mudslinging and personal insults in the pre-election-season season.
No matter what happens, I will refuse to point out that my opponents are some of the most disgustingly ignorant, irresponsibly ugly, and phenomenally incompetent scumbags on the face of the earth.
I’ll also avoid stale platitudes and demagogic appeals as I work quietly to make this territory great again.
I know these plans are out of the ordinary, but I’m the sort of candidate who is willing to avoid the usual clichés and think outside the box.
If any media outlets want to interview me about my plans in the coming months, I can be reached at 494-3434.
But please, please don’t ask me to talk politics!
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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