The Department of Disaster Management is warning the public about various hazards associated with the August Emancipation Festival.
“Due largely to rum, experts are predicting an above average number of Festival hazards this year,” a DDM official stated at an emergency press conference yesterday. “So we’re warning everyone to be on alert.”
The dangers, he explained, range from bad drivers to inflated prices, but at the top of the list is a party-loving guy named Freddy Jenkerson, who erroneously believes that he is skilled at the dance style known as “wining.”
“Freddy is known to wine aggressively on anyone in a skirt,” the official said. “Unfortunately, he has no rhythm, and his fondness for rum often makes matters much worse.”
Females in particular are warned to stay far away from Freddy during the Festival activities, but DDM officials cautioned that he is not always particular about who or what he wines upon.
“When he gets started, there is no telling what might happen,” the official said. “No one is safe, and neither are animals, vehicles or other inanimate objects.”
Destra
Exacerbating the threat, DDM pointed out, is the fact that one of the Festival headliners is Destra, the Trinidad soca performer who recently lost a lawsuit to a concertgoer who accused her of wining on him so hard his bladder ruptured.
“If you get on stage with Destra, you’re playing with fire,” explained the official. “We strongly advise against it.”
There is also a chance of what DDM described as a “perfect storm.”
“This year experts believe that there is a 50 percent probability that Freddy will actually wind up on stage with Destra,” the official said. “The results could be catastrophic.”
If Freddy even approaches the Destra show, DDM will send out updates on his whereabouts via text message, warning the public to take shelter immediately.
“Please do not try to be a hero,” the official said. “It is not fun or adventurous to get between Destra and Freddy, whose wining may seem innocuous at first but can quickly spin out of control.”
Other dancers
The DDM added that Freddy is not the only irresponsible dancer in the territory.
“Though he is by far the most dangerous, there are dozens of others out there as well,” the DDM official explained. “Once they have a drink or two they can be absolutely shameless, and a group of them approaching an unsuspecting Festivalgoer over an extended period can actually do more damage than Freddy himself.”
Anyone who is approached by such dancers is advised to refrain from dancing or making eye contact.
“Just back away slowly and report them to the authorities immediately,” the DDM official said.
Other hazards
While Freddy and other aggressive dancers are believed to be the most pressing danger during this year’s Festival, officials also warned about other hazards, including shocking prices at the booths in the Festival Village.
“We’ve heard preliminary reports of vendors planning to charge $12 for a small bowl of conch soup,” the DDM official explained. “Others could charge as much as $8 for a rum and Coke.”
Such prices, DDM warned, can quickly empty the pockets of enthusiastic concertgoers, who might not realise what’s happening until it’s too late.
“Then they reach in their pocket at the end of the night and realise they don’t have enough left over to take a taxi home,” the official said. “Anyone who is drinking is particularly vulnerable.”
The official added that some revellers have been known to spend all of their funds on the first night of Festival.
“And then they have to stay home for the rest of the celebrations,” the DDM official said. “It’s tragic.”
Tramp hazards
The annual Rise and Shine Tramps are likely to bring hazards as well.
“Inevitably, there will be one guy with a fire extinguisher somewhere in the crowd,” the DDM official explained. “Unsuspecting revellers could easily get sprayed in the face if they aren’t careful.”
He added that his list of hazards was not intended to be exhaustive.
“Honestly, it’s impossible to be fully prepared for everything,” he said. “So the best thing to do is wear full body armour and a helmet until Festival is over. And don’t forget to enjoy the season!”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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