My year in review
This 2011 has been an interesting year, to say the least. In my opinion, the following events were some of the most important.
• In January, community leaders meet at Scrub Island for the BVI Business Outlook 2011 conference. In keeping with the current economic climate, the conference takes the form of a Survivor episode: Participants complete challenging tasks in the island’s scrubby bush, and, one by one, they vote each other off the island.
• The same month, the premier’s press secretary, Devon Osborne, releases a CD whose cover design includes his job title, the Virgin Islands flag, and the words “parental advisory: explicit lyrics.” As a reward for his impeccable judgment, Mr. Osborne is promoted to the position of “Emcee DJ Jazzy Press Sec.”
• In February, then-Natural Resources and Labour Minister Omar Hodge says the Paraquita Bay greenhouses will “soon” produce thousands of pounds of tomatoes per week. Later, he clarifies that whenever he says “soon,” he is speaking in geological time.
Debate, lemurs
• In March, the territory hosts a regional student debate competition at H. Lavity Stoutt Community College. Several election candidates attend, but in the following months it becomes clear that many of them failed to learn anything from the students about intelligent debating.
• Sir Richard Branson announces plans to bring lemurs to Mosquito Island. The proposal sparks controversy, but even expert scientists change their tune after Sir Richard educates them about a critical scientific fact: Lemurs are totally awesome.
• Governor Boyd McCleary declines to call a commission of inquiry into government’s no-bid contract with Biwater. Instead, he commissions an inquiry into “what the heck is making that dang humming noise” behind the Government House refrigerator.
• In April, Foreign and Commonwealth Office representative Colin Roberts says there are no “red lights flashing” in the territory’s financial district anymore. The statement causes much confusion until officials realise that Mr. Roberts is actually the consultant hired to rewire the traffic lights at Wickhams Cay II.
• Then-Education and Culture Minister Andrew Fahie announces that a consultant found that drag racing is feasible in the territory. Drivers from around the territory celebrate by holding drag races on Beef Island and in Road Town, like they always do.
• Complaints Commissioner Elton Georges recommends several changes to government’s system for assisting homeowners with connecting their homes to the electricity grid. Elected officials and senior public servants make good use of the report: They wad it up and spend an afternoon playing trashcan basketball in the Central Administration Building.
Lemurs, Friendship Day
• In May, Sir Richard’s lemurs arrive, and they are invited to Government House for cocktails and hors d’oeuvre.
• In June, this territory celebrates Friendship Day with the United States Virgin Islands. At a ceremony at H. Lavity Stoutt Community College, VI performers entertain their USVI guests by acting out skits, playing traditional music, and blowing toxic smoke from burning trash in their faces.
• Former Director of Public Prosecutions Terrence Williams returns to the territory to prosecute the case against a former BVI Tourist Board financial comptroller. As he prepares to leave, government leaders line up at the airport and beg him to stay.
• Officials launch PowerSchool, a way for students to use their technological skills to trick their parents into thinking they’re making good grades.
• Then-Education and Culture Minister Andrew Fahie says that 98 percent of fifth formers passed this year. Shortly thereafter, he admits that “98 percent of the time, I don’t understand statistics at all.”
• Two hundred and eighty-four students graduate from high schools in the territory in June and July. After briefly entering the job market, however, 282 of them beg to re-enroll. The other two get well-paying jobs in the Statistics Department at the Ministry of Education and Culture.
• A stray cow is buried on the beach in Brewers Bay. After careful consideration, the BVI Tourist Board decides the move is not, in fact, the best way to attract visitors to the territory.
Election campaigns
• By July, election campaigns are in full swing, and candidates are doing their best to woo voters. Meanwhile, voters are doing their best not to give up entirely and move to Canada.
• In August, the territory celebrates emancipation. As usual, the high point of the festivities comes when hundreds of people emancipate themselves from clothes and inhibitions and dance down Waterfront Drive in the August Monday Parade.
• In September, Main Street business owners meet to discuss a rash of burglaries in the capital. While they are at the meeting, their homes and businesses are burglarised.
• The new incinerator is fired up in Pockwood Pond. Area residents celebrate quietly, so as not to aggravate their horrible asthma.
Elections
• By the end of October, the election campaigns have reached a fever pitch. When the two largest political parties release manifestos, public debate about the documents is not at all hindered by the fact that nobody actually read them.
• United States talk show host Wendy Williams visits the territory. Residents picket her hotel room, chanting, “We want Oprah!”
• In November, the National Democratic Party sweeps to power with a nine-to-four mandate in the House of Assembly. The NDP’s celebration of the win is second only to the Virgin Islands Party’s celebration of the fact that it is no longer responsible for the territory’s massive debts.
• United States R&B singer John Legend performs for the National Parks Trust’s 50th anniversary. Female fans swoon as far away as Puerto Rico.
• In December, Governor Boyd McCleary lays out the new government’s extensive plans in the Speech from the Throne. Then he passes around a hat to collect money to fund them.
• Somebody paints graffiti on the hood of my 18-year-old jeep, Sugar. The free artwork is instantly acknowledged as The Best News of 2011.