Expatriate babies must be stopped.
If you’ve been following the news lately, you know what I’m talking about: Expat babies in the Virgin Islands have somehow convinced the United Nations Children’s Fund that they should have more rights.
UNICEF — whose sole purpose apparently is pandering to kids with nefarious agendas — published a report on the subject that made international news.
Now everyone’s siding with expat babies. People bemoan that they’re not properly recognised under VI law. That systems should be in place to ensure that they don’t grow up as stateless citizens. That they should be treated fairly because, after all, they’re just “innocent” babies.
Such complaints are transparent propaganda, and it’s high time for the community fight back.
Expat babies may seem adorable and cuddly, but they’re obviously engaged in a sinister plot to take over the territory.
The plot
How do you think they got here in the first place? No one invited them to be born in the VI.
In fact, there are nearly 200 countries in the world, most of which have populations much larger than this one. Thus, the chances of any baby being born here are infinitesimally small.
So why do they keep doing it? I’ll tell why: Because they want to!
After spending nine months in the womb plotting, they say to themselves, “Where is the best place for me to collaborate with other evil expat babies and conquer an entire country?”
The obvious answer is the VI, a beautiful territory with less than 30,000 residents, who would be relatively easy to subdue if only enough expat babies are born to do it.
Not defenceless
If you have a soft heart, I know what you’re thinking: “But, but, but babies are tiny, defenceless creatures.”
I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken. Clearly, these particular “defenceless creatures” have already started laying the groundwork for their malicious takeover by using UNICEF to besmirch the territory’s reputation.
How did they convince the agency to write a report that is so favourable to their sinister cause? Simply by being so cute and unassuming that people like you will think they’re defenceless!
When the UNICEF inspectors visited, the expat babies doubtlessly cooed, giggled and grinned. Maybe they even cried and slobbered just a little in order to accentuate their alleged helplessness — but of course not enough to be gross.
The inspectors rushed to take their side. Worse, at least two VI legislators have also fallen for the sob story: They stood up in a recent House of Assembly meeting and made the preposterous argument that expat babies should be treated with the same respect as other children.
They’re winning
Clearly, then, expat babies are already winning. But they won’t stop with equal rights.
If legislators cave in and pass legislation to support them, it will be just the tip of the iceberg. The babies will soon want more. Before you can say “goo-goo-gah-gah,” they’ll be running for office.
Imagine their endearing faces on campaign posters across the territory. Imagine too the temptation to vote for a candidate who can’t talk and thus would not bore everyone to tears in the HOA. Who could compete with that?
When an expat baby is sitting in the Premier’s Office, things will not be pretty. Picture a VI where the grocery store shelves are lined with Gerber. Where the national song is the Dora the Explorer theme. Where the national dinosaur is Barney.
That’s just the beginning. After securing rights for themselves, expat babies would probably try to secure rights for everyone else. The next thing you know, they would appoint a Human Rights Commission.
Don’t think that you’ll just move away in order to escape. Expat babies won’t stop with this territory: Their plot to take over the VI is clearly only the first steppingstone in a larger scheme to conquer the world.
And if someone doesn’t stop them now — preferably through mass deportation or imprisonment — that’s exactly what they’ll do.
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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