Legislators cheered and traded high fives last week after successfully completing the longest debate in history.
“I am so pumped!” shouted a jubilant Communications and Works Minister Mark Vanterpool as he and opposition member Andrew Fahie (R-D1) danced in the aisles at the House of Assembly. “This world record shows what can be accomplished by teamwork!”
The debate started as a routine discussion of a report on the cruise pier project, but within minutes legislators had skilfully digressed.
The subsequent conversation — which ranged from off-topic tangents to creatively incoherent rambling — lasted for so many days that lawmakers and journalists alike lost count.
“It all started with Mr. Fahie, who made the motion to debate the report,” said Premier Dr. Orlando Smith, grinning and wiping sweat off his brow. “I commend him for his diligence and foresight.”
He hastened to add, though, that setting the record took the collaboration of all legislators.
“Often, the opposition and government can’t seem to get along,” he said, “but this time we managed to work together for the good of the people.”
Crediting gov’t
Opposition members were similarly generous, crediting their government colleagues for the debate’s longevity.
“Sure, I made the original motion,” Mr. Fahie said, “but if the government didn’t botch the pier project so spectacularly, the debate wouldn’t have been possible.”
He added a special thanks to Mr. Vanterpool, who spoke uninterrupted for several hours.
“Before this debate even started, he had already spoken at great length about the cruise project,” Mr. Fahie said. “No one thought he’d be able to manage another word about it, but then he stood up and passionately repeated himself again and again and again. It was amazing.”
Inspired by the minister’s fortitude, Mr. Fahie was able to follow his example, unleashing inner resources that he didn’t know he had.
Ted Cruz
For his part, Mr. Vanterpool said he drew inspiration from United States Senator Ted Cruz, who recently spoke for more than 21 hours during a marathon Senate speech that included reading the children’s book Green Eggs and Ham.
“When I saw Mr. Cruz’s visionary leadership, I asked myself why we couldn’t do the same right here in the BVI,” Mr. Vanterpool said. “And then we did!”
He added that his favourite part of the HOA debate came when Mr. Fahie compared a consultant to the monsters from the movie Gremlins.
“That was so awesome and creative,” Mr. Vanterpool said, before suggesting that this columnist write an “HOA Quiz” featuring the meeting’s most inspiring quotations.
This weekend, legislators plan to meet at the premier’s house to share drinks and view a highlight reel of their favourite moments from the debate.
Public praise
The legislators’ hard work did not go unnoticed by their constituents.
By the time the debate concluded, thousands of people crowded outside the HOA in a raucous show of support, offering congratulations to elected officials.
“It’s great to see that they’re finally working together for the good of the territory,” said a Road Town resident. “For so many years, leaders have sat in the HOA and wasted time and taxpayers’ money spouting politically motivated mumbo-jumbo. It’s great to see such a marvellous change.”
He was among many residents who took several days off from work in order to listen to the debate from start to finish.
Others didn’t need to take vacation time.
“My boss broadcast the debate in the office, and we were glued to the TV for days,” said an East End woman. “Fortunately, we didn’t have any customers, because they were all at home watching the debate as well.”
Third pillar
Shortly after the debate ended, the Speaker of the House contacted The Guinness Book of World Records, which quickly agreed to waive the usual requirements for inclusion.
“The recent debate was so clearly a record that we don’t need additional documentation,” the organisation stated in a press release. “Congratulations to the Virgin Islands and their selfless leaders.”
As news of the record spreads, tourism industry stakeholders expect to see an unprecedented boost in visitor arrivals.
“Everyone in the world will want to come hear us debate,” said Dr. Smith, who is the tourism minister. “We’re already fast-tracking plans to expand the HOA gallery to the size of a professional football stadium.”
He added that he expects “HOA tourism” to become the third pillar of the economy.
“Besides charging entrance to HOA meetings, there will be spinoff opportunities, such as sales of T-shirts and other merchandise — not to mention international broadcast rights,” the premier said. “I encourage all Virgin Islanders to take full advantage of such opportunities, which were created by your elected leaders working together on your behalf.”
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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