Re: Application for airport jester
Dear Government:
I’m writing to declare my interest in joining the airport expansion team, pursuant to your invitation on National Democratic Party Radio this week.
Specifically, I’d like to apply for the position of project jester.
I know what you’re thinking: Jesters haven’t been hired for hundreds of years.
And I do recognise that this is an unconventional position in the days of the Internet and high-speed jets.
But please bear with me: Upon reading my application, I feel sure you’ll agree that a jester is exactly what the airport project most needs.
First, let me explain the role, in case you haven’t read Shakespeare recently.
In the Renaissance, a court jester was often hired to amuse a king and queen and their court. He would do this by telling jokes, performing skits and generally making a fool of himself.
Why would a project management team in the Virgin Islands need a clown?
Because the jester also had another very important role: telling the truth.
Unlike other royal subjects — who risked getting beheaded for stating a controversial opinion — he was allowed to say whatever he wanted. He could even get away with criticising the king, because it was considered extremely bad luck to punish him.
Take George Buchanan, the court jester of James VI of Scotland in the 16th Century. Because King James had a habit of signing documents without reading them carefully first, Mr. Buchanan tricked him into abdicating the throne to his jester for 15 days.
You might think this was a little harsh, but I imagine the practical joke got the point across.
Airport project
What good would a jester do on the airport project? I’ll give you an example.
Recently, Deputy Premier Dr. Kedrick Pickering led a public meeting where he told a large crowd he wasn’t interested in discussing whether or not the airport should be expanded: That decision, he said, had already been made.
If I’d been at the meeting, I would have pulled Dr. Pickering aside right away and told him a little joke:
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Hundreds of people, and they all heard you say that.”
If hired, I would tell such jokes at every meeting on the project.
“What’s black and white and read only by government officials because it hasn’t been made public? The airport feasibility study.”
Later, as the project got under way, I would be on the scene, using humour to make project managers think about what they’re doing.
“Why did the chicken cross the road? Because even a chicken knows better than to set foot on a project site contaminated with dangerous chemicals.”
And so on.
Other projects
If you still have doubts about hiring a jester for the airport expansion, consider the state of other major capital projects in the territory.
The new hospital, for instance. If I’d been the jester on that project, I would have told a few of my famous “your-government’s-so-broke” jokes right from the start.
“Your government’s so broke, it tried to raise money by charging non-profit organisations.”
“Your government’s so broke, it took a year to get a loan from the Caribbean Development Bank.”
“Your government’s so broke, it tried to fix the roads with black paint.”
If a jester had been around to provide such wisdom in 2006, government might have planned more carefully. Then, the hospital might not be delayed six years later.
Government’s greenhouses are another case in point.
Here again, a witty joke at the start of the project could have saved taxpayers plenty of money:
“What’s the difference between the greenhouses and a $5 million boondoggle?”
“Nothing.”
Experience, availability
Admittedly, I’ve never been a project jester before.
But guess what? No one else has, either. This is why I feel that my training as a newspaper columnist best qualifies me for this position.
I am available to start right away, and I would be willing to work for a series of $99,000 contracts. You’ll note that these would be petty contracts, so they wouldn’t be public.
In other words, no one would know you hired a jester, and you could take all the credit yourselves.
Though it might seem unfair,
don’t be a naysayer:
If you’re a little slick
it’s easy to trick
the Virgin Islands taxpayer.
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