Lawmakers almost made a huge breakthrough last week, but they didn’t quite cross the finish line.
Fortunately, I’m here to do it for them.
During a debate on the Higher Education Licensing Act, they expressed hopes of bringing more education options to the territory by partnering with a foreign institution like a medical school or the Disney Institute.
Each of these two examples would be a long shot on its own: A medical school poses daunting logistical challenges, and the existing Disney Institute in Florida has been downsized since it was established in 1996.
But when you combine the two ideas, you get dynamite. Picture this: the Virgin Islands as home to the world’s first Disney Medical School®!
Questions
Such a collaboration would solve myriad challenges.
In spite of leaders’ long-time enthusiasm for bringing a medical school, many compelling questions have been raised about whether the endeavour would succeed.
Would the school be respected? Would it be able to compete with the other schools in the region? Could it even survive given the territory’s relatively small size? How much money would taxpayers stand to lose if the effort flopped?
Such questions were probably answered about six years ago, when the government paid a consultant more than $500,000 toanswer them. But the firm’s report was never released to the public, which is a likely sign that the way forward would be rocky at best.
And this is hardly surprising. You may recall the H. Lavity Stoutt Community College’s previous efforts to partner with the New England Culinary Institute.
That collaboration lasted a few years and then fizzled out amidst bad feelings. If the VI can’t manage to host an outside culinary school, you might ask, how can it hope to attract an outside medical school?
But that’s where Disney comes in.
Cartoon courses
It seems to me that the primary challenge for any medical school would be attracting students.
And I’m guessing this task would be extremely difficult — unless, of course, the students’ classes were taught by Disney.
Think about it: Instead of boring textbooks packed with facts and figures, they could learn by watching hilarious animated lessons starring Mickey Mouse, Clarabelle Cow, and other popular cartoon characters.
At the same time, they could take practical courses such as Donald Duck Dissection; Goofy Anatomy; or Bad Wolf Biochemistry.
Surely the territory would quickly be swamped with the best medical students in the world. They would live here, spend their money, and boost the economy. Yale Medical School, eat your heart out.
Graduates
At first, of course, fresh graduates of the new Disney Medical School® might have a little trouble finding employment outside of the VI.
But that’s okay, since they’ll be needed right here.
This is because the new school also complements leaders’ plan to transform the VI into a first-rate medical tourism destination.
Here again, this strategy is somewhat questionable on its own: Medical tourism is often powered by lower prices, and the VI doesn’t seem likely to be able to offer those.
But once the new Peebles Hospital is renamed Disney Medical World® and staffed with genuine Disney Doctors® – who would of course dress and behave like patients’ favourite cartoon characters – I’m guessing that cost would no longer be an obstacle.
Who wouldn’t be willing to pay extra for the chance to get that kidney operation from Minnie Mouse?
Sick people would come from far and wide. The only problem I foresee is that people around the world might pretend to be ill just for a trip to the VI.
But even that might not be a bad thing. After all, there’s plenty of room at the new hospital, where the top floors aren’t even being used. Also I’m guessing that the Tortola Pier Park will have lots of room for any additional medical facilities that might be necessary.
And who knows? Maybe the territory could eventually partner with Disney Cruise Lines® to launch the first Disney Medical Cruises®.
The possibilities are limitless!
Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.
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