Madea goes to Cabinet

“Government’s Cabinet members today received a surprise courtesy call from Tyler Perry movie actress Lisa Arrindell Anderson. Anderson featured in the popular Tyler Perry movie, ‘Madea’s Family Reunion.’”

— Government Information Services

 

Cabinet minutes, two days later

1. Governor recognises a quorum.

2. Cabinet members review the minutes from their meeting two days earlier, when actress Lisa Anderson paid them a surprise visit.

3. Education and Culture minister moves to send Ms. Anderson a bouquet of roses.

4. Communications and Works minister seconds the motion.

5. A loud crash in the hallway interrupts the proceedings. The door bursts open.

6. Madea, the outspoken star of several Tyler Perry movies, parades into the room wearing a bright orange dress. “Hellur!” she exclaims.

7. The premier quickly rises to his feet to greet her.

8. Madea swings her purse, barely missing his nose: “Don’t make any sudden movements around me, sir!” she says. “A simple ‘hellur’ would do nicely.”

9. The premier obediently returns to his seat and joins other Cabinet members in saying, “Hellur.”

10. MCW minister moves to welcome the surprise guest.

11. Madea moves that he “shut the heck up and get me a glass of lemonade.”

12. Madea seconds, thirds and fourths her own motion, then insists that the governor “be a gentleman” and vacate his chair so she can sit down.

13. Once seated, Madea explains that she heard that Cabinet had warmly welcomed her co-star Ms. Anderson, so she decided to visit too.

14. The premier starts to speak, but Madea pats her purse and interrupts: “Does somebody hear a mosquito buzzing around? I might have to swat it if it starts again. Now, what’s the first order of business?”

15. From where he is standing in the corner of the room, the governor reads off the agenda items for the day: the public library’s 70th anniversary, Safety at Work Week, and the proposed development at Gun Creek, Virgin Gorda.

16. Madea rolls her chair toward the governor and snatches the agenda from his hand. Then she moves that she replace him as chair of the Cabinet meeting.

17. Madea seconds, thirds and fourths the motion, which passes without dissent.

18. Madea requests an update on the public library.

19. MEC minister explains that government has undertaken several activities for the library’s 70th anniversary, including appearances on ZBVI Almanac, which have been very successful so far.

20. Madea interrupts: “Successful? Have you ever even been to the Road Town library?”

21. Madea recounts her own visit to the facility: She had to rest five times on the way up the steep stairs, only to find “cramped, stifling rooms” that smelled like “old cheese.”

22. Such problems, Madea postulates, will not be remedied by ZBVI Almanac.

23. MEC minister explains that leaders have struggled to find funding for a new library.

24. Madea says she is struggling not to swing her purse “upside someone’s head.” She points out that government annually wastes millions of dollars because of poor planning and “crony contracts.”

25. MEC minister reiterates that building a new library might be easier said than done.

26. Madea reaches for her purse, offering to demonstrate “something that’s easier done than said.”

27. MEC minister says he has just thought up a solution that will enable government to start immediately on a new library — even if it means putting the cruise ship pier expansion on hold.

28. MCW minister says that the cruise pier expansion is extremely important.

29. Madea reaches for her purse again, and he apologises: Now that he thinks about it, it might not be as urgent as a new library.

30. Madea proceeds to the second agenda item, requesting an update on Safety at Work Week.

31. The Health and Social Development minister explains that the government is doing everything it can to ensure that all employees in the territory have a healthy working environment.

32. Madea sneezes loudly. Then she sneezes several more times, in the direction of each member of Cabinet in turn.

33. Madea exclaims, “Whooeee! Something’s tickling my nose. Now, what could it be? Oh yeah: It’s mould! Government hasn’t fixed the leaky roof in this Central Administration Building in more than a decade! Get on with it!”

34. MHSD minister apologises, and says that work is in progress.

35. Madea whips a pistol out of her purse and shoots several holes in the roof. “There: Now you’ll have to fix it,” she says when her bullets run out.

36. Madea moves on to the third agenda item: the Gun Creek project.

37. The premier explains that ministers are frustrated that Virgin Gorda residents have expressed scepticism about government’s plans to develop the area.

38. Madea responds, “Scepticism? Of course they expressed scepticism! Do you even remember Beef Island? What have you done to show that anything has changed? This is too much!”

39. Madea stands and starts swinging her purse in a wild circle.

40. Cabinet members quickly promise to listen more closely to the public.

41. Madea says she can’t hear them.

42. Cabinet members promise louder.

43. Madea says she still can’t hear them.

44. Cabinet members shout their promises at the top off their lungs.

45. Madea sits down and says, “Excellent.”

46. Madea promises to see everyone at the next Cabinet meeting and unilaterally adjourns the proceedings.

Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.