Several media outlets have inexplicably condemned a new law that is expected to make journalists happier, confirming government’s fears about a massive conspiracy designed to tarnish the territory’s good name.

 

In recent weeks, publications here and abroad have criticised Section 13 of the Computer Misuse and Cybercrime Act 2014. They claim the law will discourage investigative reporting because it could subject journalists to $500,000 fines and 15-year prison terms for publishing leaked documents.

But until now not a single media outlet has reported the many benefits the law will bring to journalists.

“Investigative reporting is extremely difficult — especially in a territory with no freedom-of-information legislation,” Premier Dr. Orlando Smith said. “So the cybercrime law will make journalists’ jobs much, much easier! Why are they complaining?”

Freed from the onerous responsibility of serious reporting, he added, reporters “can simply reprint government press releases and go home by lunchtime.”

‘The fun stuff’

Education and Culture Minister Myron Walwyn, whose responsibilities include media monitoring, said the law will allow journalists to spend all their time reporting on “the fun stuff.”

“They can go to The Baths and write about it,” he said. “They can go to Cane Garden Bay and write about it. They can go sailing and write about it. None of those assignments will be illegal under the new law. Isn’t that more fun than combing through a bunch of boring documents?”

He added that the cybercrime law will give journalists — whose industry is hardly lucrative — more time to moonlight with other jobs.

“Maybe they could come on board at Government Information Services in their spare time,” he said. “That would give them an opportunity to learn how to properly report the news, instead of chasing around secret documents all the time.”

Public benefits

Communications and Works Minister Mark Vanterpool predicted that the public will appreciate the change as well.

“Everyone likes to feel good,” he said. “And when people read investigative stories detailing appalling behaviour in government, they feel terrible.”

In supporting his point, Mr. Vanterpool cited recent articles about a leaked audit on the cruise ship pier, which alleged flagrant mismanagement in his ministry’s selection of a contractor.

“Everyone who read about the audit was angry for days,” Mr. Vanterpool said. “Under the new law, the stories never could have been published, and no one would have had to suffer.”

For such reasons, the cybercrime law is also expected to lower residents’ blood pressure.

“Thus, it is in keeping with the government’s efforts to reduce non-communicable diseases,” Health and Social Development Minister Ronnie Skelton said. “Besides helping journalists relax, it helps everyone relax.”

Deputy Premier Dr. Kedrick Pickering pointed out that journalists will benefit from the law even in the worst-case scenario.

“All journalists dream of writing a novel,” he said. “What better way to accomplish that goal than spending 15 years in a breezy prison in Balsam Ghut?”

An agenda

The media’s failure to report the benefits the law will bring to journalists has sparked suspicion among leaders.

The omission, they say, appears to confirm their fears that media practitioners share a secret agenda.

“You might have noticed that journalists and press freedom watchdogs from as far away as Asia all came up with the exact same concerns about Section 13 of the law,” Mr. Walwyn said. “Coincidence? I think not.”

Some leaders are convinced that media outlets around the world are collaborating in an effort to tarnish the VI’s reputation.

An independent expert agreed that a secret conspiracy is the only plausible explanation for journalists’ near-universal condemnation of a law that brings them so many obvious advantages.

“Otherwise, their anger is totally illogical,” said a media specialist from the United Kingdom who received a lucrative contract from government last week. “It makes no sense.”

The Computer Misuse and Cybercrime Act currently awaits the assent of Governor Boyd McCleary. Amid the ongoing controversy, however, Mr. McCleary has been silent, leading some residents to speculate that he is hitching a ride back to the London with the Queen’s Baton.

Disclaimer: Dateline: Paradise is a column and occasionally contains satirical “news” articles that are entirely fictional.

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